The Kenny Everett Television Show

This is the last of the present series and features Kenny with another array of star guests who include Susan George, Lulu, Billy Connolly, Cannon and Ball, a cardboard replica of Michael Parkinson, plus Gizzard Puke, Sid Snot , Marcel Wave and that delectable film star Cupid. The whole thing adds up to a bumper bundle of fun... You have been reading a straightforward RADIO TIMES blurb.

Why are you reading this blurb ? Haven't you got anything better to do with your life ? Don't you realise there are important things going on in the world and all you seem to be interested in is what Kenny Everett is doing tonight on his show ? You should be ashamed of yourself. On the other hand you are our viewer and we love you. Don't you worry about the world, it'll take care of itself.

If you're looking for political comment, social commitment and cerebral involvement, our sympathies are with you and we hope you find the programme you're looking for, because this isn't it.

Once again Kenny introduces a galaxy of international superstar guests, including Joanna Lumley , Billy Connolly , Richard Johnson , Toyah, Madness, Bill Wyman , Lionel Blair , Terry Wogan , Britt Ekland. Yes, all these and more but not necessarily in tonight's show.

Having received your special glasses you're now ready to enjoy this special 3-D edition of The Kenny Everett Television Show. You'll thrill to the special visual effects as Kenny comes flying right through the screen and into your living rooms, makes a cup of tea in your very own kitchen and leaves - because he's already seen the show. Hope you enjoy it. Now turn to page 48 for your free 3-D photograph... By the way, your flies are open.

I have been asked to tell you a bit about tonight's Kenny Everett Television Show. Well, what can I say ? It's a show that could change and illuminate our lives and yet, in its sheer insignificance, demands to be ignored. A show that asks the questions we all long to ask and yet makes no attempt to tell us who the guests are. Suffice to say the show tonight is about a half an hour.

Tonight finds Kenny in a relaxed mood and going out on the town to really enjoy himself -and why not, these shows were taped weeks ago, so now he can do whatever he likes ... you didn't think they were live, did you???

On this, the first show of an eight-part series, Kenny gets involved in many different and exciting situations while playing many different and exciting roles. He will also be doing some very different and exciting characters and introducing numerous different and exciting sketches which are filled with different and exciting surprise guests. The two words which best sum up the show are - really great.

Guest stars: Alfred Marks and Su Pollard; Musical guests: Chas & Dave

Guest stars: Lionel Blair, Lennie Bennett, Alfred Marks, Su Pollard and Frank Thornton; Musical guests: The Stranglers

Hi! Kenny Everett here with a personal message to all you out there in viewing land! Now, I don't want to prejudice you in any way about tonight's show but please remember I love animals and children and I have mortgaged my house and my wife so that you can see tonight's show in colour. The BBC thought black and white was more me but I fought them to the last bribe. So why not watch me - gentleman, scholar and all round good egg - tonight. (Do you think they'll swallow that ?)

See Kenny discover the source of the Nile! See him wrestle to the death with a BBC steak and kidney pudding! See-saw Margery Daw! Never before in the history of visual television has one man achieved so much on behalf of so few, and talking of ratings don't miss the finale aboard HMS Wogan when a cast of thousands gives Kenny a 25 torpedo salute. Hooked eh ? Quick, run the film before they go away.

It's not every day a show like this takes to the air. No, just on Thursdays, so you've got the rest of the week free. I mean, we could be on every night, then where would you be ? But I know you love the show and so do I. You see, I'm always out on Thursday night, so you're on your own.

Do you have the feeling you have read this before ? You probably have. It's RADIO TIMES blurb no 1678 - fill in name as required.

Tonight marks the second show in a series of eight which means it contains one sixth of the total laughs of the series. If you feel that the show had more than its allotted quota of laughs, please send the extra laughs, in a plain brown envelope, to the BBC Television Centre where they will be distributed to less fortunate shows.

Tonight Kenny Everett returns with the first show of a new series of fun and frolics all designed to keep you in stitches for the next eight weeks. What's that I hear you say ? You couldn't care less! So what!!! Neither do we... You seem like an intelligent person. Why don't we have lunch sometime ?

The snow is falling in gentle flakes, the gaslight is flickering on ancient mantles, and Charles Dickens is spinning in his grave. Tonight Kenny presents his salute to the master's Christmas Carol with Michael Barrymore. Peter Cook, Spike Milligan, Willie Rushton, John Wells and surprise guests, who appear as ghosts and other almost earthly beings.

Which of the Thompson Twins took the lip salve ? What was the cobra doing in the quiche ? Where is Mrs Latimer's scrum cap ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a digital truss.

Are the Nolans still in the car boot ? Where is the male nurse's theodolite ? Who braised the gerbil ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a pop-up Rusty Lee.

Why was the vicar breakdancing in the vestry ? Who left a jelly in the micro wave ? Where is Mrs Gwenlan's sub-machine gun ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a holiday at home.

Where is the paper clip ? Why is Mr Universe in the waste disposal ? Whose are the socks in the wok ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a verruca kit.

Why did Gerald climb the au pair ? What were the Morris dancers doing behind the bottle bank ? Is Vivian's moustache really a tax dodge ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less.

What was in the bishop's posing pouch ? Where was David Bellamy when the lights went out ? Is the colonel really Bananarama ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a weekend.

Why was the ostrich in the Jacuzzi ? Who was the stranger with the commode ? Where did Madge leave the chain saw ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a weekend in a lift with Bernard Manning and Nicholas Parsons.

Kenny returns with the answers to some searching questions. Where are Molly's sugar tongs ? Has the colonel really gone to Venice for the marathon ? Why was the celery inside the offertory box ? Watch tonight and you could win a tattoo voucher.

More handy hints from Reg d-i-y Prescott, Beau and his brothers return from the Legion and Hot Gossip are feeling so naughty. All this and more in tonight's show.

In tonight's show Kenny's job interview goes out the window, Cupid makes a rare television appearance with her new record and Hot Gossip lose control.

Kenny hosts the dino pizza challenge, puts the world in focus and complains to Barry Took when Hot Gossip behave like animals.

In tonight's show, handy hints from the potting shed with Reg Prescott. An automatic vending machine that's not all it's cracked up to be, and even more astrological predictions from our friend Russell.

Will Sid Snot find a new job ? Why is Kenny in jail ? Just two of the questions answered in tonight's show.

What has brought Reg Prescott out of his workshop and into the kitchen ? What are Hot Gossip up to at the Masquerade ? And how do you tell the difference between African and Indian elephants ?

High drama at D'Iddley Manor when the lights go out and Lady D'Iddley's precious stone - the 'Pahsing Water' - disappears. Kenny gets a taste of 3D television and Hot Gossip begin to feel the cold.

Why did Beau D'Iddley and his brothers join the Foreign Legion ? Who put Moira Anderson in the mincing machine ? Who is the rightful owner of Jimmy Hill's chin, and is the gossip too hot ?

It's the end of an era. The final curtain falls - cuddly Ken may currently be seen at a DHSS office near you. For, dear viewer, this is the last show in the series. Weep not - on display in tonight's mammoth spectacular are all your favourites - Verity Treacle, Baby, Maurice Mimer and the cast of Cobbers. Errol Brown drops in with a song. The audience float in space with Kenny. A few nuns do a few bits and Lionel Blair is still being tortured.

Reg Prescott (DIY expert) writes: 'Hello viewers! I've just perfected the recipe for the ultimate funny TV show. First, take a pinch of Wilma Wacky , then a level cupful of Mrs Cheeky and stir in a 'boy of the old brigade'. Add this to the mixing bowl containing Marillion and blend firmly together until it begins to bubble. Adjust your - er - seasonings, add a splash of Mrs Mirth and, being careful not to burn yourself on the comedy oven, bake for 30 minutes and turn out on to the Lionel Blair rack. There you have it - your very own Cuddly Ken TV Show!' Join Reg, Banzai Davlo, the Bronte Sisters and Queen Victoria for another fab show!

New readers start here - Kenneth Everett, he of the tinkling laughter, twinkling eyes and twisted truss, presents a weekly half-hour of wicked wackiness. Should you choose to read on, you will be taking a trip from London to Brighton in four minutes, meeting Chris Rea and his band and exploring certain organs of Joan Collins. Dear reader - how can you resist ? Join Kenny tonight. End of chapter.

Can Donny Osmond really be in tonight's show ? Why is Christopher Timothy playing a vet again ? What torture awaits Lionel Blair this week ? What is Harry Fowler doing in a pub with Kenny ? What a twist! What fun! What wackiness! What a show!

Coming to a television set near you - The world's tallest man... The inside of Derek Jameson 's brain... The true story of the First World War... The world's first underwater audience... The life story of Kim Wilde... All this and more in the wild and wacky Kenny Everett Television Show... Don't miss it!

Can't believe your eyes ? Then turn on your appliance 'cos Kenny's back! Revel in your reunion with Reg Prescott, Verity Treacle and Maurice Mimer and wobble with wild anticipation at meeting some brand new characters. Cleo Rocos returns to join Kenny in a show crammed full of wild, wacky bits and there's even a song from Elton John.