Late Show with David Letterman

Rupert brings soup to tonight's guests; Dave reflects on the Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley wedding.

Dave looks at ""What's On Other Channels;"" the Smothers Brothers perform.

Dave and model Inna Mirovich toss back some vodka. Later, Howard Stern admits that he had to drop out of the New York governor's race because he refused to reveal his yearly income.

After Dave sings a horrible rendition of ""Oklahoma,"" Paul demands to hear a better version. Soon after, John and Bonnie Raitt come on stage to show Dave how it's done.

The show is interrupted all night long by (bogus) CBS News special reports by anchor Alan Richardson, who sings, is beaten up by a bus driver, pitches Mountain Dew and swears about the prime lending rate.

Dave attends the Whitewater Hearings; up-and-coming starlet Cameron Diaz promotes ""The Mask""; Dave finally chats with Stevie Nicks (whose manager Dave criticized several years before).

Dave comments on Tony's cue card work, then makes a bad phone call for an audience member with mother issues.

A severed head perks out of the pothole; a doctor stands in the backdrop in case Dave suddenly becomes sick during the show; Sirajul asks a group of fishermen in South Dakota what they think of hometown boy Tom Brokaw.

The pothole Dave filled up with blue joke cards the previous night is sealed by none other then Mayor Guiliani; the pothole is danced upon by several fabulous babes performing Rockette-style kicks; Gin Blossoms and Kiss perform ""Christine Sixteen.""

Dave fills up a pothole outside the studio with joke cards; Jim Carrey's limo is towed away.

Cold opening: Kenny Rogers tells Dave when to hold ‘um and when to fold ‘um. Dave also stops the show midway through to just kick back in his chair and relax, then reflect on the show thus far.

""Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Say Hello on a N. Y. C. Pay Phone?"" The answer? Mais oui! Also, one of the all-time great Stupid Pet Tricks makes a triumphant return when Kevin Dechico and his dog ""Air Buddy"" shoot hoops onstage.

Ricki Lake promotes her supporting role in the upcoming Cabin Boy; Gary Sinise plugs Forrest Gump.

Dave returns to outside the Today Show set and displays his sign: ""Happy 100th Birthday, Willard""; in honor of the 25th anniversary of the moon landing, we see Dave accomplishing the same feat; Midnight Oil performs ""Sometimes.""

The Runaway Camera is roaming the streets of New York City, getting squeegied, hit by a bike, down a manhole, running into Rupert Jee, and going into ""Cats"" and ""Flashdancers."" Later, in dueling clips, Dave shows embarassing clips of Tom Hanks from ""The Love Boat,"" ""Taxi,"" and ""Happy Days."" Tom retaliates with an embarassing clip of Dave from ""Mork and Mindy.""

Dave leaves the show after the monologue and heads upstairs to read Wresting Magazine with his face in a mud mask, and Paul retrieves him. Later, famed soccer commentator Andres Cantor repeats his most famous line to Dave: ""ggoooooooooaaaaaaallllll!""

Dave takes a cue card from Tony Mendez, re-reads a joke and then has the cue card passed around the audience. Later, Calvert DeForest dresses up as Barbra Streisand and performs ""The Way We Were,"" and guest Richard Simmons sings a patriotic medley.

In a spoof of Home Shopping Network, Dave sells ""Dave and Paul Collection Plates,"" giving out the phone number of head writer Rob Burnett. Also, Dave invites Megan and Tim, a couple from Kansas City, in from the storm, gives them towels to dry off, and offers them seats by the spiral stairway, where they stay throughout the show.

""Coast to Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul"" -- tonight, they're fly-fishing in Madison Valley, Montana, with their teaching guide, Craig.

Barbra Streisand walks on the set and gives Dave two tickets to her show at Radio City Music Hall. Dave gives them away to a woman in the audience.

On their latest stop, Mujibur and Sirajul get serenaded by Tom Jones in Las Vegas. Wondering who's been operating K&L Rock America while they've been gone, Dave finds Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert running the shop in their place.

John Mellencamp – ""Wild Night""

After a technical error prevents it from being performed the previous night, Dave presents the rest of the ""NBA Finals Quiz."" Now feeling a little queasy due to all the stress of the past two nights, Dave points out that he has a body double that will stand in for him when the time comes for him to get medical attention. Also, Dan Rather sings ""Wreck of the Old 97.""

Stone Temple Pilots – ""Vasoline""

Jon Lovitz laments the demise of ""The Critic;"" Sandra Bullock promotes Speed.

Three members of the 1994 Stanley Cup Champion New York Rangers drop by, and later they let Morty take a picture of the Cup.

Dave selects two audience members to receive tickets to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Marv Albert hands out the tickets and shows a hockey blooper.

On their first leg of the Coast-to-Coast Tour, Mujibur and Sirajul report from Niagra Falls, saluting the US flag. Paul says the idea ""looked great on paper."" Also, Dave chats with Hakeem Olajuwon of the NBA Champion Houston Rockets.

Mujibur and Sirajul begin their Coast-to-Coast Tour, leaving NYC on a private jet; Keanu Reeves promotes Speed; Dave interviews David Brenner about his new radio show, and oddly enough, Dave will be David's first guest on his radio show premiere the next day.

An audience member plays a staged version of ""The Price is Right,"" and wins a can of flour. Also, Michael Buffer fills in for Billy Wendell, announcing tonight's guests (not to mention Paul and the flour guy) with his distinct baritone.

Dave's coffee is cold, so he goes out and warms it himself with a taxi battery; George Miller comments on today's solar eclipse; Dave picks a dead fly off his sport coat.

Dave hands out ""Warning Label"" props to the audience; another ""CBS Special Report"" finds Alan Richardson reporting on his socks.

Dave escorts the Stand-by Audience (all 40 of 'em) to a restaurant a few blocks away from the Ed Sullivan Theater. He later invites sailors in the audience to visit FlashDancers across the street.

Dave helps Nancy Agostini find an apartment in the city; The Pretenders perform ""Night in My Veins.""

Dave bids a fond farewell to his announcer, while Dick Assman also makes one last appearance.

Paul is introduced as ""Johnny Lavaggi;"" Dave shows a (doctored) clip of Monica Seles grunting; David Brenner does stand up.

During an interview with Isabella Rosselini, a guy on fire runs around the stage. Later, Bjork and the CBS Orchestra performs ""It's Oh So Quiet.""

Dave claims that the chairman of Westinghouse has agreed to fight him. Later, Sonny Bono signs to Calvert's upstart record company.

All night long, Rupert touches meat and is joined later by Kelsey Grammer, his then-fiancee, and a priest from the audience.

In honor of an incident that resulted in a forfeit in the previous night's Dodgers-Cardinals game, audience members throw baseballs at Dave.

Dave shows a ""highlight"" of last night's show: Dan Rather fondling Dave's butt.

The ""Dick Assman Update"" reveals that his popularity has hit fever pitch. Later, Christopher Walken promotes three new movies that are coming out within a month of each other.

Junior Brown sits in with the band; baseball star John Kruk talks about his recent retirement; Dave hectors a man on the street in a game called ""May I Taste Your Dinner, Please?""

Dave announces it's ""Christmas in August,"" with Glen Campbell singing a medley of holiday standards at Hello Deli.

The final installment of ""George Clarke's Quest for Corn"" finds our hero at Hello Deli (five ears). Afterwards, George distributes an ear of corn to everyone in the audience.

During ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" a small fish eats a worm whole. Meanwhile, Dave goes into a Westinghouse washer in spin cycle.

Dave chats with Mary Ann Dennis, whose dog stopped a man that tried to mug her.

Dave announces that CBS has just been bought by Westinghouse, then spends the rest of the show joking about it.

Dave gives $100 to an audience member after a monologue joke bombs; the show is interrupted for a ""Dick Assman Update""; father and son audience members Jim and JJ McMichael wave from the top of the Empire State Building.

George Clarke's ""Quest for Corn"" finds him in Indianapolis with Dave's mom: 5 ears. Later, Nick Turturro and Dennis Franz stand in the green room with their pants down, while Paul and Bruce Hornsby play ""Chopsticks"" on the keyboard.

During a segment called ""Ask the Mayor,"" someone from the audience asks Rudy Guiliani, ""Is that a real hair piece?"" Also, a half-awake audience member opens himself to the feminine wiles of Sandra Bullock.

Dave and Tony switch places for a few minutes; David Schwimmer is reunited with the monkey who played Marcel on Friends; Dave announces that ""Dick Assmania"" has officially swept the eastern seaboard.

Dave calls up Dick Assman; Ray Liotta arrives onstage riding a baby elephant, and later he makes a (bogus) appearance with Paul in the controversial new movie Kids.

A ""Dumb Ads"" segment introduces Canadian filling station attendent Dick Assman. The entire North American audience immediately catches ""Dick Assmania."" Later, a monkey in the green room throws fruit, while The Quest for Corn hits Omaha, Nebraska.

Clarence Clemons of the E Street Band sits in; Dave offers an audience guy with an unruly beard $300 to shave it; Talent Assistant Zoe Friedham gets a tattoo; Dave gives the newly-shaven man $400.

Dave demonstrates a triple pencil flip; Rupert finds one of Dave's blue cards attached to Mary Tyler Moore's backside; Dave shows old footage of Andy Kaufman dancing with a giant snake.

Ed Sullivan Theater Building Engineer George Clarke begins his ""Quest for Corn"" throughout the Midwest. He's off to Illinois.

Dan Rather presents the Top Ten; Chevy Chase plugs Man of the House and talks tennis.

Dave flashes back to how he stayed cool over the weekend by stuffing popsicles in his pants; a woman who picks up one of the pay phones at the kiosk outside the theater is chosen as an honorary guest host; Alicia Silverstone promotes Clueless; Dave and Pam the phone lady switch jackets.

After an admittedly lame remote on a ""Day In The Life"" of producer Robert Morton, he jumps into a giant bowl of pudding, followed by Dave. Later in the show, Paul, Laurie Diamond, and the members of White Zombie join in.

A small army of cyclists rush across the stage, while Dave and Pete Sampras play a pickup round of tennis out on 53rd Street.

Charles Grodin promotes his new cable talk show.

Dave says hello to viewers in France and Italy in their respective native tongues; during ""May We See Your Photos, Please?"" Dave demands to see photos of meat or nudity; Penn and Teller perform one of their trademark dangerous stunts.

Jim Carrey, Andre Agassi, and Tom and Roseanne Arnold miraculously appear in the audience, Tom being both on stage and in the audience simultaneously. Also, Dave orders pancakes from the Fashion Cafe for Christy Turlington and a heavyset audience member.

In a remote, Dave asks apartment dwellers, ""What's the Coolest Thing In Your Apartment?""

Dave shows the audience an old photo of Morty with an afro, and then later shows a doctored photo of himself with a head-bush. Also, Dave helps Tom Hanks shave a beard he grew on vacation.

In an experimental comedy bit called ""Letters to the Editor,"" Dave reads a (bogus) note from Al Gore telling The New Yorker that he loves their cartoons.

Dave invites a standby audience member to play ""Will You Eat the Meatloaf?"" Later in the show, Dave chats with Pete, the dishwasher at Hello Deli.

Bernie Kopell storms out of the theater after ""The Love Boat"" is somehow mentioned twice in a Top Ten List about Hockey. Later, Dave chats with ""Coach"" star Jerry Van Dyke, while Warren Zevon performs ""Mutineer,"" a song he would later perform in his last TV appearance in 2002.

Dave celebrates the fifteenth anniversary of the debut of The David Letterman Show by showing clips of the first broadcast; Biff interrupts Dave so that Corey Pavin (winner of the 1995 U. S. Open) can drop by; various staffers take their moms to the Russian Tea Room.

Cold Opening: ""ER"" star Anthony Edwards refuses to give Dave a physical. Also, Jonathan Katz does standup and promotes Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.

Shortly after a ""What's New for Summer"" segment, Dave hands hamsicles (or, if you will, cold ham on a stick) to the audience. Also, ""Batman"" (Calvert) hands Dave the Top Ten list, while Tony Bennett performs ""My Love Went to London.""

Dave invites both a cabbie and an audience member to jump into a rooftop swimming pool. They're later joined by two NYC cops and Bob Saget.

Dave announces that this is show number 4000, but later admits he's off by a zero; John Denver performs the theme song to ""Supermarket Finds""; Alan King gloats over his grandkids.

Travis and the Dog Cam return; Englebert Humperdinck serenades Rupert; ten kindergarteners write and present the Top Ten.

Dave arrives at the theater in a police car; throughout the night, spelling bee winner Justin Carroll comes out to spell various ten-cent words; Dave chats with Robert Horry of the NBA Champion Houston Rockets.

Travis, a five-year-old golden retriever, has the ""Dog Cam"" attached to his head; John Turturro dresses up as Batman, then hands Dave the Top Ten list; Dan Rather talks about Connie Chung's departure from CBS, then promotes his workout video ""Old Train Songs to Sweat By.""

Stephen Stills sits in; Dave ""attends"" a recent President Clinton press conference; basketball star/party animal Dennis Rodman comments on his recent antics.

Dave chooses a person off the street to tell their life story; the Top Ten Home Office moves to Grand Rapids, Michigan; Chris O'Donnell plugs Batman Forever.

Dave tells Rupert to bother people at a local bistro with his hidden mic; Dave chats with a woman that recently won $87,000,000 in the state lottery; head CBS executives ""Les Moonves"" and ""Peter Lund"" sing Bob Seger's ""Like a Rock.""

It's time for a studio audience talent show, with friends and relatives of the performers swamping the backdrop. Shortly after his interview, Mike Myers joins the crowd.

Biff delivers Dave in a golf cart; Dave and an audience member named Hal help choose the network's new slogan; a pyrotechnic exhibition is held in the backdrop.

Indianapolis 500 champion Jacque Vileneuve races a NYC cab around the theater block in competition with NYC cabbie Buke Kadikiran; Dave shows (doctored) footage of Dan Rather replacing his CBS Evening News co-host Connie Chung with… Dan Rather.

Cold Opening: Nicole Kidman asks Dave if he's drunk. Also, displayed by the window of an advertising agency across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater is a giant toothbrush and tooth; Dave invites the workers from that window to bring the items into the theater and then presents them with the Crest Pledge.

Dave gives a ham to a man in the audience who correctly guessed his weight (158 lbs).

Dave chats with Yankees pitcher Dwight ""Doc"" Gooden, who threw a no-hitter the night before.

Dave brings up three girls from the audience, confiscates their gum, and sends them out to goof off in a nearby fountain; the Sex Pistols perform ""Pretty Vacant.""

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" Secret Service Agents dance the Macarena; Dennis Miller promotes his new HBO talk show; Butthole Surfers perform ""Pepper.""

Dave announces that the Late Show has its own version of ""The Real World,"" with Paul, Anton and Pat Farmer whining about their personal problems.

Dave welcomes the Gold Medal-winning U.S. Olympic Girl's Gymnastics Team (minus the injured Kerri Strug); during a ""New Products"" segment, Pat Farmer models a t-shirt made from venetian blinds.

Leonard ""The Ronald McDonald Guy"" Tepper joins Rupert for another one of his hidden-mike remotes with Dave. Later, Jackie Joyner-Kersee promotes her new fitness book and upcoming appearance at the Atlanta Games.

Dave discusses in length the show's embarrassment of Emmy riches this year (four nominations); the ""CBS Mailbag"" presents Dave's 10,000th ""Bob Dole is old"" joke; Dave receives another discouraging visit from Fan Club president ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson).

Country legend Marty Stuart sits in, while a disgruntled alien (Gerard) comments on inaccuracies in the movie Independence Day.

Dave continues to gloat over the Late Show's (alleged) title as Official Talk Show of the Summer Olympics, with abortive sports commentary by Anton; Laurence Fishburne promotes Fled.

Dave tries to find the owner of car whose license plates read ""SO HAPPY,"" and later he shows footage of a Wheel of Fortune contestant screwing up the answer to a puzzle: ""Paul Shatner!""

Dave shows a semi-embarrassing clip of Meg Ryan from her days on ""As The World Turns,"" featuring a ""young"" Paul Shaffer and Will Lee.

Manny the Hippie talks about his trip to Roswell, New Mexico, while The Charlie Watts Quintet (featuring Bernard Fowler) performs ""In a Sentimental Mood.""

Dave points out that Paul is the co-musical director for the Olympic closing ceremonies; Biff keeps interrupting Dave; Dave chats with Joanne Ussery, a woman who lives in a renovated Boeing 727.

Dave switches places with an audience woman, and later she sits in with the band; Elaine Stritch storms onstage and chews out Dave; Randy Quaid promotes Independence Day.

Mujibur and Sirajul stand on the roof, waiting for the fireworks in broad daylight; during Mailbag, ""Neil Diamond"" (Calvert) rouses the crowd with a smokin' rendition of ""America;"" two audience members take an American flag to the Empire State Building; The Brian Setzer Orchestra performs ""Town Without Pity.""

Dave airs his first new July 3rd show since his morning show in 1980. During the ""Rejected FDA Products"" segment, Dave introduces ""Sherwin-Williams Fettucine in Paint."" Later, Jeff Goldblum promotes ""Independence Day"" as Rupert searches the sky for UFOs.

Manny the Hippie reviews Striptease: ""Schwag."" Also, Creepy Dave drops by to ask Michael Keaton about human cloning.

Jerry Van Dyke rides onstage on a mule; Luke Perry gives Dave his sideburns; The Fugees perform ""Fu-Gee-La.""

Dave shows off a tick that has embedded itself into his suit, then shows more footage of him at Taco Bell. (correct synopsis)

In response to a CBS Mailbag letter that noticed a likeness between Inky Mendez and Steven Speilberg, Martin Scorsese is seen impersonating Anton Fig.

Biff recruits an audience member to get splashed in the face by a speeding taxi going over a puddle. Also, CBS head honcho ""Les Moonves"" discusses the CBS fall lineup, then sings Harry Chapin's ""Cat in the Cradle.""

Some guy carrying the Olympic torch comes through to interrupt the monologue. Also, Dave recalls a fake Father's Day memory when his son ""Jimmy"" gave him an ashtray. Paul doubts the story, forcing Dave to recall his ""real"" video memory: ""Jimmy"" arriving with pizza. (correct synopsis)

Remote: Dave works the drive-thru at a Taco Bell in Jersey. Later, he chats with Lucille Treganowan, 66-year-old grandmother/hot rod guru. (correct synopsis)

Dave bids farewell to one of his longtime staffers; Kelsey Grammer promotes ""Down Periscope""; Manny reviews The Cable Guy: ""Dank.""

Kenny Wayne Shepherd sits in; Dave points out that one of tonight's ""CBS Mailbag"" letter-writers is in the audience; during Mailbag, ""Ronald McDonald"" (Leonard) verbally abuses Dave.

Dave fools around with a hot glue gun, while up-and-coming actress Liv Tyler (daughter of Bebe Buell and Steven Tyler) promotes Stealing Beauty.

In a piece of videotape footage that ""will disturb and shock you,"" Dave introduces clips of Bill Clinton singing ""Mustang Sally"" and Boris Yeltsin dancing.

Biff attempts to learn how to fly; actor/soccer fanatic Andrew Shue introduces footage of him, Elizabeth Shue, and John Shue playing a pick-up game of his sport of choice.

The final day of celebrity ""She Loves Me"" performances takes place when Rosie O'Donnell sings, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the same note. Dave follows this flawless presentation with a week-long retrospective.

Dave tells a mean fat joke about Roger Ebert, and shortly afterwards the film critic calls Dave a bastard; four singers present the First Annual Late Show Salute to the Word ""Ass""; on Day 4 of ""She Loves Me"" week, Matthew Broderick performs a certain 1950's pop standard, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at the Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the note.

Diana Ross performs a variation of the song ""She Loves Me"" called ""He Loves Me,"" and while holding the final note, buys a soda at Hello Deli, gets a massage at a nearby spa, and walks back inside the theater wearing a white robe.

Dave invites customers from the Roy Rogers restaurant across the street into the theater to be checked for ticks; Dr. Sam Merrick declares them tick-free. Also, Day 2 of ""She Loves Me,"" tonight performed by Nathan Lane. Like Martin Short the previous night, Nate holds the last note, goes out to Hello Deli for a soda, then to a massage, and back inside the theater with a robe.

Live via satellite in San Francisco, Manny the Hippie reviews the film ""Spy Hard"": ""It's schwiggity schwag!"" Also, ""She Loves Me"" week begins with Martin Short, who performs this song, hanging on to the last note while leaving the theater, grabbing a soda at the Hello Deli, getting a massage, and returning to the theater wearing a terrycloth robe.

Warren is run over by a car; during ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" Douglas Pierce plays the ""Jeopardy"" theme on his hands; Dave bids a fond farewell to head writer Bill Scheft.

Dave complains about the dog days of summer.

Tonight's Top Ten is interrupted by a phone call from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska: ""It's not all that funny anymore."" Meanwhile, Biff wreaks havoc in Martha's Vineyard.

Dave announces that he is starring in the ""Late Show of Passion,"" which is just like the Late Show, except that it's dubbed so it looks like a telenovela. Later, Dave and Joe Montana throw footballs at a garbage truck.

Alicia Silverstone promotes her new movie Excess Baggage.

""The Donald"" talks about a recent boat trip. Later, Janine Turner promotes ""Leave It To Beaver.""

Dave compares President Clinton's 51st birthday to meatloaf. Later, he chats with his old friend Jeff Altman.

Barbara Walters promotes her new talk show, ""The View.""

Dave feeds Tom Selleck some avocados. Later, they make a crank phone call to Al Roker.

The new sitcom ""The Letterman Family"" is promoted, starring Dave, Tony Randall, and Nadine Hennally. Later, Demi Moore shaves an audience member's head.

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Biff reports from the Garth Brooks concert in Central Park and meets ""Garth"" himself (Leonard Tepper).

Jay Thomas shows Dave a tape of himself spitting out something during a recent television appearance. The footage is repeated several times.

Deliberately-obvious stunt doubles pose as Dave and Paul showing off their bike skills, while Dave carves a sculpture of Paul made from butter; a man claiming to be Garth Brooks is interrogated on ""The Biff Henderson Celebrity Telephone Interview.""

Dave presents a Wall Street quiz; Bob Dole talks about retirement.

Dave shows some ""Surprising Facts About Celebrities."" Later, Tony Danza promotes his new sitcom.

John Popper sits in with the band; Dave asks a paramedic about a piece of carrot he ""horked"" into his left lung during lunch today; Julia Roberts promotes Conspiracy Theory.

Dave congratulates Rob Burnett upon the birth of his daughter; a ""What's On Other Channels"" bit is interrupted by a car honking, courtesy of Creepy Dave; David Byrne performs ""Daddy Go Down.""

Dave gets four galpals from West Virginia to go on a tour of the city with Biff; Physilla Rashad promotes her sitcom Cosby; Jamiroquai performs the #1 hit ""Virtual Insanity.""

It's so hot outside that Biff tries to start a fire on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass and a bundle of sticks, as members from New York's Fire Department stand by; Rupert and Leonard bother people per Dave's requests; Jennifer Aniston promotes Picture Perfect.

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" we look into a day in the life of a ""Accident-Prone Blood-Gorged Tick"" (Leonard Tepper).

The Harrison Ford World Tour (in which he's promoting The Devil's Own) makes a stop in Paris, France; Dave suggests the Paul legally change his name to ""Radu""; CBS anchorman/folkie at heart Dan Rather sings ""The Wabash Cannonball.""

Harrison Ford reports from Hawaii; in the debut edition of ""Pointless Celebrity Cameo Theater,"" Calvert, Regis, and Tony Randall stand around like goons while the audience cheers them on; Radish (a band fronted by an early Ben Kweller) perform ""Little Pink Stars.""

It's time once again for ""King of the Meats,"" the mano-a-mano kosher competition between Rupert of Hello Deli and Amando Vasquez of the nearby Stage Deli. Amando sweeps the three rounds, but Rupert goes home with the ladies.

Dave congratulates Paul on being #6 on the Forbes 500; Biff and Eric Kaplan explain how they make Dave's coffee mug levitate; Sean ""Puff Daddy"" Combs, Faith Evans, and 112 perform ""It's All About the Benjamins.""

Dave begins a month-long campaign to run into the ground his current favorite phrase: ""Something from the meat case, Linda?"" Also, Dave, Tony Randall, and a dozen or so triple-named child actors star in CBS' hot new situation comedy ""The Letterman Family.""

Dave interviews NYC taxi driver Querbe Tirmizi, who returned $30,000 he found in his cab.

It's a balmy 97 degrees outside, so Biff fries an egg on the sidewalk, later adding bacon and toast.

Dave shows off his new, shorter haircut; an audience member sings the theme song from Grease; Tim Allen presents the Top Ten.

Pro bowler Nelson Burton, Jr. sits in; during Mailbag, Tom Arnold bits his own ear off; Manny the Hippie resurfaces; for the second year in a row, Dave sends audience members from San Francisco to the Empire State Building to display the US flag.

Dave talks about the a new unauthorized autobiography of Martha Stewart; tonight's guest bowler is Hall of Famer Carmen Salvino; Dave appears in a 50's-style cigarette ad; Evander Holyfield gives Dave his account of the incident that occurred in his fight last weekend with Mike Tyson.

During the ""Supermarket Finds"" segment, Dave takes a sample of something called ""White Fungus"" and spits it out; another bowling great (Marshall Holman) sits in with the band on tambourine; Dave chats with Mitchell Libonati, the man who found the piece of Evander Holyfield's ear that was chewed off in the infamous boxing match that previous weekend; Blur performs ""Song 2.""

Dave gets two girls at a nearby cafe to help celebrate Canada Day with Canada Dry®, which gets delivered by a Mountie; to continue a running gag started the previous night, bowler Johnny Petraglia sits in; various staffers describe clips from America's Funniest Home Videos.

Bowling great Dick Weber sits in with the band; Calvert kicks someone in the nether regions for the shear fun of it; Dave and Paul trade faces.

Dave declares a guy named Jeff as ""Captain of the Audience,"" helping the host out with menial tasks such as helping present the Top Ten and keeping the audience awake. Also, film director Robert Zemeckis makes a rare television appearance, promoting his new movie Contact.

A flying saucer heckles Dave from the backdrop, while Dyan Cannon promotes Out to Sea and makes friendly with Dave.

It's 91 degrees outside, so Biff decides to watch ice melt on the street.

The outside cam heads to Joe G's looking for a guy to write a theme song for, where they stumble across Brian and his girlfriend. Also, Dave takes the audience outside to watch Motley Crue perform on the sidewalk.

Anton is introduced as ""Anton Zip""; Dave shows the audience a chart of who's permitted to be on the show and who isn't; in tonight's remote, Dave goes to a private school in Manhattan to chat with child prodigies.

""Riverdancers"" Gerry Mulligan, Mike McIntee, Eric Kaplan, and Jim Peterson amaze and delight the studio audience and the home viewers in response to a letter in the CBS Mailbag.

Julia Roberts is treated to a clip of her first appearance on Letterman from 1990, only to watch the clip blackened out by NBC. Also, Jon Bon Jovi performs ""Janie, Don't Take Your Love to Town.""

Dave gives an audience woman a ham just for being Polish; several members of the cast of Cats go inside FlashDancers; Alan Kalter promotes ""Late Show: The Game""; The Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform ""The Impression That I Get.""

A new challenge: ""Who Can Hail a Cab First""- a pantsless Mets fan or a pantless Yankees fan? For once, the Mets win the big one.

Paul is introduced as ""Radu,"" then shows Dave a Happy Meal toy that looks just like him. Also, Dave hides in an apartment, harassing delivery people as they come and go.

Mailbag: ""Farrah Fawcett"" (Calvert) explains her behavior from last week. Also, Kenny ""The Quick-Witted Stagehand"" Sheehan makes his 1000th TV appearance, which is followed by footage of his (bogus) television debut on Ed Sullivan in 1964.

Tom Brokaw explains why he turned down an offer to leave NBC for CNN: ""Same as you with CBS: more money, smaller audience."" Also, Sheryl Crow performs ""A Change (Will Do You Good).""

Dave turns the hose on pedestrians outside the theater; Jaleel ""Urkel"" White helps ""Les Moonves"" promote CBS' fall lineup; Seven Mary Three performs ""Lucky.""

Dave shows an altered clip of President Clinton admitting his dislike for cloning, and later Dave is once again visited by ""the lovely Is-a-bella Ros-sell-ini.""

Biff reports from the NBA Finals in Salt Lake City; Dave makes his usual joke about buying his first car at Harrison Ford in Indiana; Dave Matthews Band performs ""Too Much.""

Wesley Snipes promotes the movie ""Spawn.""

Paul and somebody named ""Mary Beth"" host a spoof of ""Regis & Kathie Lee"" with Inky Mendez playing Gelman. Regis suddenly pops out of the audience, heckles them, and gets thrown out of the theater.

""Riverdance"" performs live via telephone from Cincinnati. Later, Liz Phair promotes her new album, ""WhiteChocolateSpaceEgg.""

Throughout the show, stockbrokers jump out of a fifth-story window.

Biff goes outside to annoy people with a bullhorn. Later, Dave meets David Roth, a noted coin magician.

John Popper is still sitting in with the band, while Doris Roberts promotes ""Everybody Loves Raymond.""

Dave feels highly suspect of the audience's intelligence during ""Know Your Current Events""; John Popper sits in with the band; Dave chats with Hunter Scott, a 13-year-old WW II history buff.

During the annual ""New for Summer"" segment, Mujibur and Sirajul are declared ""Late Show Prom King and Queen."" Later, Penn and Teller perform their new magic act.

Paul and Anton Fig participate in a game called ""Average Television Viewer vs. Late Show Television Viewer.""

During a segment in which he shows real and doctored Clinton and Gore news articles, Dave announces that his pants are too tight.

Dave points out an audience member who looks like Kenny Rogers; during ""Late Show en espanol,"" Tony walks out in a suit and bad wig and does a Letterman-type monologue; Dave chats with George Firestone, America's oldest living Boy Scout.

Dave chats with Jennifer Ringley, the Seattle-based college student best known for operating the voyeuristic website JenniCAM.

Dave shows a personal ad from the Washington Post that looks like it was written by President Clinton; Alan fantasizes about waffles; Paul serenades Yasmine Bleeth.

A softball game between Late Show staffers and the cast of Miss Saigon is rigged by Dave; Anton goes into ""Buddy Rich, Jr."" mode and performs drums solos throughout the night; The Goo Goo Dolls perform ""Iris.""

Dave has a lengthy discourse on an article he read in Martha Stewart Living; ""Late Show Meteorologist"" Skip Hopson reports from 53rd Street; Tori Amos performs ""Spark.""

A new feature debuts, as Dave announces #3 on the Top Ten List at the start of the show; Mujibur and Sirajul lose their virginity on an internet webcam, and later they hop in bed with Pauly Shore; Natalie Imbruglia performs ""Smoke.""

Biff visits Branson, Missouri, while Marilu Henner unsuccessfully tries to persuade Dave into doing some calisthenics.

Biff stands on the sidewalk in 95 degree heat as he tries to determine once again whether a Popsicle® or a Fudgesicle® will melt faster; around the corner from the theater, Dave hoses down passerby; The Farrelly Brothers promote the sleeper hit of 1998, There's Something About Mary, while they strut their ""knowledge"" of sumo wrestling.

In the latest roll call, Dave signs ""Zorro"" (Anton), an audience member with an enormous cold sore, and ""Lynette the Late Show Opera Singer"" off the checklist.

Live out on the street, we see the traffic ""congestion"" created by New York hosting the Goodwill Games; Dave changes his tie midway through the show; James Caan shaves his mustache.

The ""Top Ten Cool Ways the Government Could Spend $63 Billion"" is followed by an investigation by WCBS reporter David Diaz, who scrutinizes the lack of effort put into the long-running comedy piece. Interviews with Gerard, Biff, Richard Jewell and FBI Agent Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) leave the mystery unsolved.

Know Your Current Events: the husband of one of tonight's contestants volunteers to be put to sleep by hypnotist Dr. Neil Cavey. Feeling anxious due to all the attention, he never falls asleep.

Some guy in a kimono sits in with the band; in honor of Antonio Banderas' new movie, Rob doodles on a legal pad to show what Dave would look like if he was Zorro; Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan do a taste test.

Soul singer Chuck Jackson sits in; Dave shows the audience what a laugh track looks like; the audience is forced to sit through another edition of ""Please Stop Calling Me Chief.""

Dave points out an audience member that resembles Rupert; Dave gives a little league baseball team a pep talk; Cherry Poppin' Daddies perform ""Here Comes the Snake.""

During Mailbag, various staffers show the audience their baby pictures; Dave introduces a musical comedy troupe called ""The Beltway Bunch"" (a rip-off of The Capital Steps), and Tony runs them offstage; just before introducing tonight's ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" Dave thanks Merrill Markoe (who underwent surgery earlier in the day) for giving him the idea to do this segment.

In honor of Independence Day, Biff does a report from Colonial Williamsburg; Ben Stiller promotes There's Something About Mary; The Spice Girls make their first television appearance since the departure of Geri ""Ginger"" Halliwell.

Thinking that it's robbing him of half of his audience, Dave shows phony clips of the X-Games competition being aired on cable; The Dixie Hummingbirds (featuring Stevie Wonder and Paul Simon) perform ""Loves Me like a Rock.""

After several weeks of hype, hoopla, and anticipation, Dave finally does a ""Charts and Graphs"" segment; Dave claims that there's a webcam of him on the CBS site; child hollerin' champion Martha Anne Goodwin attempts to shatter Dave's eardrums.

Throughout the night, Pat and Kenny throw stuff off the roof, including two 5-gallon water jugs, a pinball machine, twenty gallons of paint, and a TV/VCR set playing a Jerry Springer tape.

Mailbag: Paul goes to desperate measures in order to get a raise, while Mujibur and Sirajul go on a wild goose chase for one of Dave's blue cards.

Inspired by watching an episode of Wall Street Week where the panelists sit at a coffee table, Dave asks Biff to ""host"" the guests in the green room.

Tony gives Dave the finger, while up-and-coming singer/actress Jennifer Lopez promotes Out of Sight.

Al Norwood stirs Dave's coffee with the boom mike; Biff attempts to play the sax; Dave shows a clip of his supposed cameo in the ""X-Files"" movie.

The Piedmont Bird Callers, once a favored act on Johnny Carson's show, make their third-ever appearance on Letterman. Also, Dave chats with Steve Yzerman, captain of the back-to-back Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings.

Overexcited soccer commentator Andres Cantor presents the Top Ten; Sean Lennon performs ""Home.""

Dave promotes the overhauled Late Show site, while Tony Randall brags about having a baby (his second) at age 78 with his own Top Ten list.

An audience member walks out in disgust when Dave reminds everyone that the next ""Charts & Graphs"" segment in not for another two weeks. Also, Tony forgets a cue card and Dave gives him considerable grief.

The outside cam reveals the long line of people waiting with anticipation to see the next ""Charts and Graphs"" segment on June 30. Also, Dave is started to find that tonight's Top Ten has no title, but counts down anyway.

Live from the Beverly Hills Hilton, Casey Kasem arm wrestles bellhops; Dave and Tony look for the best steak restaurant in NYC; Dave chats with a boy from Jersey who had seven prom dates.

Dave obsesses over some new words in the Merriam Webster Dictionary, and then reads definitions from an advance copy to the audience.

A Starbucks is opened inside the band section, while actor-comedian Dane Cook makes his television stand-up debut.

Dave tries to call Merv Griffin, but ends up chatting with his clueless receptionist; Dave shows a subpoena caddy he claims Martha Stewart made for President Clinton; Bill Cosby performs stand-up in a chair.

Tonight's remote: Delivery guys deliver stuff to Dave's ""apartment"" in Flushing Meadows; items include a tree, a clown, beer, a sofa, a TV, and a singing telegram.

Live via satellite at the Beverly Hills Hotel in sunny Southern California, Walter Matthau gets a haircut. Also, Luscious Jackson, Emmylou Harris, and the Indigo Girls perfrom together to promote Lilith Fair '98.

After being bumped the last two nights, Late Show intern Jeremy Weiner finally gets his moment in the sun in ""Dave Hangs with Interns,"" a segment that lasts around five seconds.

Sarah Jessica Parker promotes her new HBO comedy Sex and the City, while ""Paul Shaffer's Chair of Mystery"" reveals the uglier side of Julia Roberts (played by Kenny Rogers).

All night long, animals lick the camera lens. Included are a pot-bellied pig, lemur, a skunk, a miniature horse, and a guy dressed as a cat (Film Coordinator Rick ""Shecky"" Scheckman). Also, Dave announces his new catchphrase: ""Holy crap!""

Dave updates his map of the various locales in which he has received speeding tickets; Dave mentions that the son of Dave Dorsett was selected in today's MLB draft; Biff promotes his new culinary program ""Cookin' Naked with Biff""; Art Garfunkel shoots free throws, and then goes one-on-one with a lookalike staffer named Gary.

Dave announces that after 6 years and 1,278 shows on CBS, he now wants to be called ""Daddy""; Alan beats up Regis during CBS Mailbag; Albert Brooks makes a phone call to his pet parrot.

Dave announces that tonight is the premiere of ""Late Show Who Wants to be a Billionaire?"" Tonight's first question: ""Who took over for the 'Brady Bunch' father after the original actor was arrested and imprisoned for the grisly kidnap and murder of the show's wardrobe designer?"" The answer: Dennis Weaver.

Terence Blanchard sits in with the band, while Olympic diver Kathy Pesek does a demonstration for the audience (via telephone).

Dave announces that tonight, ""We're going to have good old-fashioned fun"": all night, Richard Egan stands on 53rd St. guessing the weight of passersby.

A shirtless Vince DeMentri interviews people on the street, asking them what they think of Hillary Clinton. Later, Katie Holmes promotes ""Dawson's Creek.""

During CBS Mailbag, Inky Mendez announces his candidacy for the US Senate, while Dave chats with ""Hillary Clinton"" (Gerard).

Dave takes up an offering for a preacher who played ""Who Your Deer Repellants.""

Dave announces that a crack in the building next door caused a temporary evacuation of the theater. Later, The Mavericks perform ""There Goes My Heart.""

Kreskin's knowledge of 70's backup singers is tested in a segment called ""Commodore or Pip?"" Later, Smash Mouth performs their smash hit ""All-Star.""

Paul refers to Regis as a bastard, only for the ""Millionaire"" host to retaliate.

During CBS Mailbag, Alan punches Dave. Later, Dave's former ""Starland Vocal Band Hour"" co-star Jeff Altman looks back at his tumultous television career.

Dave repeatedly shows footage of the Taco Bell chihuahua saying ""funkalicious."" Later, Dave and William H. Macy drink Tang spiked with Jack Daniels.

Dave shows the audience some stuff he bought on his recent vacation in a segment called ""Travel Souvenirs."" Later, ""Newsradio"" star Dave Foley promotes the movie ""Dick.""

Dave takes the outside cam to Joe G's for another round of ""Stop Calling Me Kitty.""

It's a very special night as Jim Jeter is about to log his one millionth mile on his 1982 Toyota Starlet. After reaching the milestone, Dave buys him a new used car.

Dave chats with Tour de France winner and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong; Paul's latest prediction: ""No more lox and bagels""; Sheryl Crow performs ""The Difficult Kind.""

""Paul Shaffer's Countdown to the Millennium"" makes its triumphant return to the Late Show, and is now sponsered by Hillary Clinton and Larry King. Tonight's forecast: ""In the new millennium, people will freak out.""

Biff helps out pedestrians walking on 53rd Street; Dave asks Paul about project identification; Pete Townshend and Eddie Vedder perform ""Behind Blue Eyes.""

Buckwheat Zydeco (nee Stanley Durrell) sits in on accordion; throughout the night, Shark the border collie chases Frisbees on 53rd Street; film director Garry Marshall plugs Runaway Bride.

Paul complains about the heat at Woodstock '99; Dave brags about Max Pappas and Team Rahal (a sign of things to come); Ted Koppel's evil twin Kenny is caught hosting Nightline in lieu of his more well-known brother.

Paul asks what the point of the Secret Word is, and after it's revealed (""throb""), Dave replies with ""I'm tired of being held hostage by your psychotic delusions."" Also, Mujibur and Sirajul preview the new Alan Kalter dart board, and Alan punches them.

The Hillary Clinton/Larry King Secret Word is ""meehnkee""; Dave ""performs"" at Woodstock '99, then declares that Limp Bizkit kicks ass; Buzz Aldrin drops by to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the moon landing.

The Hillary Clinton/Larry King Secret Word is ""mommy""; Dave asks a question to Einstein's Brain (voice of Alan Kalter); perfect game winner David Cone presents the Top Ten.

The Dan Quayle/Larry King Secret Word is ""pie""; Dave finally meets the entire U.S. Women's World Cup champion soccer team, though Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain do most of the talking; ""Rita Buttgas"" is introduced as the first Secret Word three-time winner; Dave asks Paul if they can trade the horn section for the soccer team.

The Larry King/Dan Quayle Secret Word is ""sphygmomanometer""; Dave briefly comments on the passing of JFK Jr.; Dave Mirra does bicycle stunts on 53rd Street, but after he has to cut it short due to rain, he pops wheelies inside the theater.

Dave points out that Paul is dressed from head to toe in white tonight, including a snazzy top hat; during Mailbag, The Guy on Fire is profiled on ""Biff Henderson's Where Are They Now?""; Lucinda Williams performs ""Concrete on Barbed Wire.""

The Secret Word is ""prick,"" with the stock footage of the baby owls eating the rat joining an already crowded group of sponsors; John Mayall sits in; Jason Biggs promotes American Pie.

Dave replies to a Zagat's survey; the Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""pestilence,"" with the Dan Quayle/Larry King Secret Word Jackpot standing at ""Thirteen hundred damn dollars!""; Oliver Platt promotes Lake Placid.

An audience member attempts to button Dave's jacket; the Dan Quayle/Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""neoprene""; throughout the night, Biff stands next to a 45-pound block of ice on the sidewalk, giving Dave updates on its melting status; Sixpence None the Richer performs ""Kiss Me.""

Dave shows footage of a taxi literally crashing the staff cookout out on 53rd Street; with temperatures hovering over 100 degrees, Biff dares to go outside and fry an egg on the sidewalk; Dan Quayle joins Larry King and the Women's Soccer Team as a sponsor of Alan's Secret Word (""one hot mother****er""); Tony Randall drops by to eat the egg.

The Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""pony""; during Mailbag, Biff, Kenny, and Dave Dorsett brag about their latest female conquests; John Leguizamo promotes Summer of Sam.

The Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""highoeyazmuhoodhee""; Calista Flockhart's chat with Dave is interrupted by visions of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal busting a move with George Clarke; Bill DeLace poses as a Little League umpire for a remote Top Ten list.

The Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""peripatetic""; a bird caller from Piedmont, California does a drumroll for Dave; after a brief discussion over the difference between a mesa and a butte, Rob Burnett makes a quirky legal pad doodle that settles the issue once and for all.

The World Cup Soccer Team Secret Word is ""oozing""; Montana park ranger (and past winner) ""Rita Buttgas"" (Jude Brennan) is announced as the winner of the Secret Word Tournament of Champions; Dave picks a fly out of his coffee.

Tonight's Secret Word (""bird"") is brought to you by David Letterman's Women's World Cup Soccer Team, in honor of his latest celebrity crush. Quote Alan: ""They're hotter than a dancing bobcat with its ass on fire!"" Also, during a slideshow bit called ""Celebrity Summer Plans,"" Vinnie Magliulo reports live via satellite from Caesar's Palace giving the odds on the audience response to the jokes.

The Larry King Secret Word is ""peptide""; Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty perform ""Smooth.""

The Larry King Secret Word is ""linguine."" Also, to counteract with Hillary Clinton's recent decision to run for the US Senate in New York, Mayor Giuliani announces that he's running for the same office in Arkansas.

Jimmy Vaughan sits in; the Larry King Secret Word is ""entropic""; after an unusually aimless edition of ""New for Summer,"" Dave asks Paul, ""What is happening to this show?""

The Larry King Secret Word is ""gabardine,"" and is followed by stock footage of four baby owls devouring a rat. Also, Dave shows the audience an autographed photo of the US Women's World Cup Soccer Team in Late Show, and stops the show several times to ogle the ladies.

The secret word (""rodeo"") is now sponsored by Larry King, whom according to Alan ""looks like an owl""; ""Rita Buttgas"" (Jude Brennan) is introduced as the latest winner of the faux contest; Pat Farmer comments on the NBA Finals from backstage; Andy Dick starts cutting his hair in mid-interview, and afterwards a very annoyed Kenny Sheehan breaks out the dust-buster.

Anton is introduced as Buddy Rich Jr., the ""bastard son"" of the legendary jazz drummer; Hosie Cow makes a cameo in the new Austin Powers movie; the Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""whipknockvonwhipknocky,"" but Dave forces Alan to change it to ""newt.""

Al Gore appears on ""The Paul Shaffer Show""; The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""tourniquet""; Mike Myers promotes Austin Powers 2.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""pigment,"" while Dave chats (and becomes infatuated) with Brandi Chastain of the US Women's World Cup Soccer Team.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""dick"" again, but it's eventually changed to ""bunny."" Also, Dave has another one of his long-winded chats (via satellite) with the Preston Luggage Company in Dallas, where he lets a customer set his own price (five dollars) for a snazzy carry-on bag.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""amputation""; the latest roll call introduces Biff's pint-size clone ""Mini-Biff"" and Calvert dressed up as a Hosie Cow; Tim Robbins promotes Arlington Road.

Edgar Winter sits in; the Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""dick""; Heather Graham promotes Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.

After appearing in an ad for Hosie Cow, Alan announces that the secret word is ""inflammation."" Also, Tony nominee Brian Dennehy presents the Top Ten.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""whippy""; last night's winner ""Barbara Sanchez"" (Jude Brennan) is presented with $400 and a fully functional Hosie Cow; Alan imagines what effect Y2K will have on the country.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""escarpment""; Dave plays a new game at Joe G's where a contestant must start a conversation and brings up the weather within sixty seconds (he won); Snoop Dogg plugs his new album.

Tonight's secret word (""emetic"") is now sponsored by a lawn-watering device called ""Hosie Cow""; Biff stands outside holding a popsicle in one hand and a Creamsicle® in the other, determining which will melt first (the popsicle); Dave chats with Nancy Mace, the first female graduate of The Citadel.

Vince Vaughn promotes ""The Cell,"" while Maria expresses her optimism in a possible debate between George W. Bush and Al Gore right here on the show.

Paul joins Dave for ""Know Your Jewish U.S. Senators."" During ""Campaign 2000,"" Maria introduces Dave to ""Survivor I"" runner-up Colleen Haskell.

Biff goes outside to count sweaty people; during ""Campaign 2000,"" Alan interrupts Maria with a soulful rendition of ""Send in the Clowns.""

""The Late Show Iron Chef"" pits Rupert Jee against Joe G. Rupert wins decisively with his chicken rollatini.

For no apparent reason, the CEO of Qualcomm presents Dave with a check for $25,000. Later, Dave chats with Jean Jordan, the stripper-turned-writer who was eliminated from ""Big Brother 1.""

During CBS Mailbag, Mujibur and Sirajul debate ""Do you like monkeys?"", which results in a lengthy fistfight. Later, after another one of Inky Mendez's tantrums, we see an ad for ""Dave and Tony's How to Rant In Spanish"" educational videotape.

Maria introduces Dave to ""Survivor"" contestant Gervase Peterson. Later, NBC weatherman Al Roker promotes his new book.

Alan goes berzerk and chases a man outside. Later, Dave chats with President Clinton's press secretary Joe Lockhart.

During ""Campaign 2000,"" Tony Randall botches a comedy piece. Later, Nathan Lane talks about his dog and sings.

Dave shows (bogus) footage of a guy with defibrillator paddles standing near Dick Cheney during a television interview. Later, Macy Gray sings ""I Try.""

Dave hits Alan with a baseball bat; a blonde woman pretending to be Kathie Lee says goodbye forever to Dave; David Gray performs ""Babylon.""

An audience member names all ten of her grandkids; the entire theater is filled with mosquito spray; Kathie Lee returns to present the Top Ten.

A new controversy brews as Dave claims he's going to dust his chair for ""ass prints""; Harold Larkin is attacked by a giant can of Off! bug spray; Kathie Lee Gifford receives a farewell present from Dave.

Dave suggests that someone on the staff is messing around with his chair; during ""Campaign 2000,"" Maria Pope tells Dave that there has been no word from the Bush camp; George Plimpton reads the new Harry Potter book, but not aloud; Ween performs ""Even If You Don't.""

Pat and Kenny play Frisbee on the roof; the latest roll call introduces us to such people behind-the-scenes as Tony Mendez's puppet-master, Dave's fiancé and Paul's girlfriend (the same woman), and a staffer who's still living in his Y2K bunker; Dave suggests that a proposed Bush-Gore debate on the show will utilize Jai Alai scoring.

Dave trims off half of his tie; Alan has a crying jag over Kathie Lee Gifford's departure from her daytime talk show; Dave and Jon Stewart discuss politics.

Continuing with a running gag that started the previous week, Dave shows a ""Anna Kournikova Play of the Day"" (footage of her drinking a water bottle), followed by similar clips from Don Zimmer and Larry King. Also, Gerard impersonates Survivor loser Greg Buis (who was sick) for a spirited chat during ""Campaign 2000.""

Dave continues to refer to Paul as Wayne ""Fat Boy"" Ewing; Alan shows Dave photos from his recent vacation; Maria confirms that Al Gore's interested in being a guest on the show; Ben Folds Five (in their last TV appearance) performs ""Regrets.""

Live from the theater basement, it's ""Let's Look for Rats."" The piece gets off to a slow start, until Alan runs downstairs to scare them into appearing on camera.

Dave asks the viewers at home to have a nice, tasty beverage while they watch the show; Survivor tenth-place finisher Gretchen Cordy drops by; Elliott Smith performs ""Somebody That I Used to Know.""

Pat and Kenny replace Dave's chair; Dave welcomes Sgt. John Best of the Marshall (Texas) Police Department as the new co-host of the show; Jerry Foley appears on ""Staffer- Not a Staffer"" and nearly stumps Dave.

Dave finally meets Daljit Dhaliwal, who seems more interested in discussing world affairs then responding to Dave's thinly-veiled flirting. Also, Shawn Wayans promotes Scary Movie.

The ""Liberty Dancers"" are rechristened ""The 5th of July Dancers""; an audience guy with a very distinctive goatee is the subject of a reality show-themed Top Ten; Dave bullies Tony into promoting his self-titled internet program.

Dave introduces the ""Late Show Liberty Dancers""; live via telephone, the owner of a nearby fireworks shop shoots explosives; the finalists of this year's National Hollerin' Championship perform onstage.

Dave plays the tapes of the dog bite and the deer attack yet again; during Campaign 2000, Maria introduces Dave to a First Mate in the US Navy, and 200 sailors from the USS Nassau storm the stage right afterward; Brian Wilson and Friends perform ""Sloop John B.""

Dave brags that he's going to a gin n' tonic party after the show to look for some babes; during Mailbag, Biff blows Dan Rather's head off; a social worker named Lauren is the first real decoy to appear on ""Staffer- Not a Staffer.""

Maria tells Dave that newscaster/hottie Daljit Dhaliwal has been booked for next week, while Dave announces that he's doing a favor for a cop who stopped him for speeding recently by having him appear on the show. Also, Dave and Survivor loser Dirk Been comment on how everybody's losing weight on the show except Richard Hatch.

Ted Nugent sits in; Dave rants about the ""wild island sex"" on Survivor; Martha Stewart arrives onstage on a red, white and blue bike, then gives The Nuge a guitar case made entirely of pinecones.

Dave confesses that he has a slight crush on British news anchor Daljit Dhaliwal. Later, Alan interrupts Dave to congratulate the genetics scientists for cracking the genetic code, then offers ""specimens"" for the lady researchers.

Dave repeats the footage of the dog bite from last week, now claiming that a ""wild dingo"" gave him rabies; Dave says George W. Bush is ""(as) dumb as a box of tools""; after his interview, Tom Brokaw walks straight back to Rockefeller Center.

Dave demonstrates troubles with newscasters who look at the wrong camera by moving his head every five seconds; during Mailbag, Biff chats with (pre-recorded) footage of Shaquille O'Neal; Worldwide Pants production assistant Allison Abbate is the latest to be subjected to ""Staffer- Not a Staffer.""

George continues to hold on to dear life in the boiler room; ""non-surviving Survivor"" Ramona Gray interrupts ""Campaign 2000""; PJ Olsson performs ""Visine.""

Dave shows a (phony) tape of Tiger Woods disintegrating opponents' balls with his laser eyes; during Campaign 2000, ""Rita Buttgas"" (Jude Brennan) returns to celebrate the one-year anniversary of her $100 victory on ""Alan's Secret Word"" and discusses the hardships she's had since her fleeting fame fizzled; Dana Carvey and Dave share stories about their heart problems.

Paul Rodgers of Bad Company sits in on vocals; after Dave worries about possible civil disobedience in downtown LA after the Lakers' NBA Championship, Harold Larkin opens the door to reveal rioting outside the theater; Mark Wahlberg promotes The Perfect Storm.

Laurie Diamond brings Dave a new cup of coffee after someone steals his mug; during Mailbag, Gerard comments on Survivor; during ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" Dave accidentally steps on dog's tail and gets bitten on the face.

An old man (not Calvert) shuffles his feet onstage at the end of the monologue, then walks away; for Campaign 2000, Maria introduces Stacey Stillman, the first Survivor loser to appear on the Late Show; Dave tastes Naomi Campbell's new shower gel.

Dave announces the birth of Kathy Mavrikakis' daughter; George Clarke is now trapped in the boiler room with two prostitutes, and then declares himself a ""Volcano God""; Isaac Hayes conducts an orchestra performing the theme from Shaft.

Pat Farmer fixes Dave's chair; during an outside cam bit involving the CBS Store and a new electronics shop next door, Tony Randall is found standing on the roof for no particular reason; the 2000 Stanley Cup Champion New Jersey Devils walk onstage for ""Campaign 2000,"" then hang out at the CBS Store.

Dave announces that he's fulfilled his jury duty up in Connecticut (he didn't make the cut); George Clarke continues to hold on for dear life in the boiler room; Biff visits the NBA Finals in LA; Maria and Paul offer their condolences to Dave.

Paul hosts a game called ""Staffer / Not a Staffer,"" in which Dave must guess if the person onstage is one of his underlings. He correctly guesses that it is a staffer; talent researcher Nick Prueher. Also, Maria Pope discusses a recent trip to Hooters.

Dave introduces Paul as Wayne ""Fat Boy"" Ewing; in honor of Survivor, George Clarke locks himself in the boiler room with nothing but a video camera and some rations, and eventually ends up chewing his arm off; Biff reports from Game 1 of the NBA Finals in Los Angeles.

Dave says Campaign 2000 is ""largely void of content, (and) just a big waste of time."" During tonight's segment, however, Paul openly wishes that they would use his name as a clue on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Also, Alan gives tips for summer safety, which quickly morphs into an excuse to rip off his shirt and pour suntan lotion all over his body.

Dave makes his first-ever comments on the CBS' latest hit Survivor, and then brings up jury duty again, exclaiming ""Some dudes will be going down!""

Dave drops his flipped pencil; during Mailbag, ""Bob Knight"" (Gerard) cannibalizes one of his players; Dave discusses his new chair.

""Biff's Fun with a Stopwatch"" goes to a Pacers playoff game, during which he shoplifts, then harasses a fat guy.

James Earl Jones reads excerpts from Richard Simmons' new autobiography; ""Biff Henderson's America"" spends a couple of days in Calhoun, Missouri; a man pretending to be Les Moonves promotes the new game show Survivor while dressed up as Moses.

Buzz Aldrin interviews this year's nominees for the Daytime Emmys in a spacesuit; Mujibur and Sirajul make a basketball wager with Rupert; Dave flips through a furniture catalog; Matchbox Twenty performs ""Crutch"" out on the sidewalk.

Dave has problems adjusting the lumbar of his chair; Maria Pope brags about sleeping 21 hours straight; Michael J. Fox discusses his health-related ""retirement"" from television.

Dave makes Rupert play a deli-themed version of "Beat the Clock." Later, after his conversation with Sean Combs goes longer than expected, Dave is forced to chat with newsanchor Daljit Dhaliwal for only a few seconds.

Some guy dressed up as "Lance Armstrong" comes onstage on a bicycle and beats up Alan, then runs over to Hello Deli to pummel Rupert. Later, Dave shows photos of him stuffing Steph/Monty's face into a birthday cake, while filmmakers Mark Borchardt and Mike Shank go to Comic-Con.

Mailbag: "How long has Paul been bald?" Dave fears that this might be a sensitive question, but Paul rubs his chin anyway. A flashback reveals that Paul used to have a long, wavy mane before an accident with Dave's chemistry set turned him into a bald, hideous freak. Vowing revenge, Paul turns into a superhero and eggs Dave's car.

The tambourine player sitting in with the band beats up Alan; Dave shows another old comedy clip to kill time (Show #818, Dave's harassment of delivery people); Greg Kinnear tells Dave what it's like to pilot a single-engine airplane.

Dave proudly announces that he's wearing orange socks tonight, but only so he can shove Steph's face into a birthday cake after the show; Alan gets beat up yet again, and remains bruised and bloodied for the rest of the show; Mark Wahlberg promotes the remake of Planet of the Apes.

Delbert McClinton sits in; Steph/Monty (live via telephone from the 12th floor) discusses in length her plans from last weekend; Tom Selleck introduces an old movie clip of him, and then plays the ukulele.

A celebration for Calvert's 80th birthday turns into an excuse for Dave to ignore him and flirt with the Hi-Ho girls; Dave chats with Jeff Meyer, who named a poplar tree after Daddy; Christopher Walken talks about his recent appearance in the Fatboy Slim video "Weapon of Choice."

Dave brags about his mom's 80th birthday "whoop-tee-doo and grabass" this weekend; during Mailbag, Dave rescues Paul from The Man on Fire; Billy Crystal clobbers the guy who regularly beats up Alan.

Another pizza for Alan results in another beating for Alan; Dave shows a photo of the FBI Building with the "I" missing; Joan Osbourne and The Holmes Brothers perform "Can't No Grave Hold My Body Down."

Alan orders a pizza, and the delivery guy beats him up; live via satellite from the Indianapolis suburbs, Dorothy celebrates her 80th birthday with a Dave impersonator and a fridge full of Colt 45®; John McEnroe is interviewed twice after Dave gets curious as to which fellow tennis players he's dated.

Alan is caught nibbling on a pizza, but surprisingly doesn't get beaten up; Dave makes a snarky comment about Jay Leno's chin; former David Letterman Show announcer Bob Sarlette talks football with Dave over the closing credits.

Rather than come out of nowhere, Dave orders the muscle guy to pummel Alan; during a segment called "Summertime Leftovers," Dave once again shows footage of his "look-alike" (himself, circa his morning show) playing "Camptown Races" on the fiddle; Simpsons star Hank Azaria plugs America's Sweethearts.

Dave introduces "live satellite feed" of President Bush staring of into space; during Mailbag, Alan throws one of tonight's letter writers (played by Jay Johnson) out of a fourth-story window; ten chefs present the Top Ten.

Dave theorizes on the show's four Emmy nominations (announced earlier that day)- either no one's watching or the voters don't care anymore; for the second night in a row, Alan is beaten up by a guy twice his size; a comedy bit from Show #499 about Steve Martin's preparations for appearing as a guest is repeated.

Dave grumbles about the lack of quality guests appearing on the show, during which Paul comments on his inappropriate question towards Julia Roberts ("Are you getting laid these days?") last night. Dave replies with "exclusive" footage of Paul asking Barbara Bush the same question. Also, Pat, Kenny, and Harold Larkin star in the new HBO series "Sexy Guys, Sexy City," while a renegade blue card knocks out Tommy Lasorda.

Dave announces that Jude Brennan's cousin (a parasite expert) has told him that there's nothing to worry about. Also, on a remarkably star-studded night, Puff Daddy appears for a special Top Ten list, while Dave sees through Julia Robert's blouse and asks her if she's getting laid.

Dave announces that he may have parasites crawling around head, prompting Paul to call him a "maggot brain"; Dave and Steph/Monty go over vacation pictures; Dave confirms that he has parasites by taking a sentence on a blue card too literally; a guy bouncing a giant tether ball to his head makes an appearance on "Is This Anything?"

Mailbag: all of tonight's letters are read by James Earl Jones, George Clarke's flashback to a night of sex and gambling is sponsored by Donald Trump's Taj Mahal hotel, and an alleged Late Show writer is attacked by a bear.

Dave goes on a spiel about the traffic on the interstate this morning; an "Incredible Dog Challenge" is held outside, with the winning dog jumping over a giant phony check for a million dollars; Brian Wilson, Darius Rucker, and Matthew Sweet perform The Beach Boys' "Sail On Sailor."

Dave's computer problems only get worse, as he couldn't name a certain part he needed, causing IBM to send him the wrong part. Also, Dave chats with prep athlete Alan Webb, the new national high school mile record holder.

Dave continues to steam over his technological issues; Catherine Zeta-Jones calls Dave "Jay" and profusely apologizes; Depeche Mode performs "I Feel Loved."

Dave has another rant about his computer problems, claiming that Late Show techno-guru Walter Kim keeps coming to his house on weekends to try to help, but he steers clear of insulting IBM because of an advertising agreement with CBS. Also, Dave brags out Max Papis' (of Team Rahal) victory in last weekend's Portland 200.

Mailbag: "What would you do if the world was coming to an end?" Dave admits he doesn't know much about this topic, so he introduces astrophysicist "Dr. Saul Perlmütter" (Gerard), who announces that the world will end somewhat earlier than was previously thought; around Labor Day 2001, an eerie prediction.

Paul sits in the guest chair for five minutes so he can promote Cover Wars, a new game show he's hosting on VH1. Also, Alan announces that Epil stop n' spray is the new official sponsor of the Top Ten list, then shows video footage of it's hair "restoration" abilities.

A remarkably slim and trim Biff introduces footage of him hanging out at the Grand Prix in Detroit. Also, Dave and Paul (of all people) talk about hair care, which proceeds into a new segment called "Hairpiece- Not a Hairpiece."

Team Rahal racer Kenny Brack inexpicably sits in on guitar, while David Sedaris reads a selection from his new book.

After Paul admits that he doesn't recall what he looks like, Dave calls receptionist Art Kelly to ask if he's ever been formally introduced to the bandleader. Art doesn't give Dave a straight answer.

Mailbag: "Can I host the show for a few minutes?" Sure enough, viewer Jason Lynch is hosting the show, while Dave sits in the green room watching Leno. Also, Paul admits that he just can't get the hang of one of Dave's favorite phrases: "…and down the stretch they come!"

Dave continues to discuss the retirement of Bozo the Clown, but his remarks about big, red, ugly hair results in an inevitable hissy fit from Alan. Also, Dave honors the passing of Leonard Tepper with old clips of "Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video" and Dave directing him and Rupert on how to annoy people.

Dave helps Paul with some computer problems; in honor of the coming demise of Bozo the Clown, Dave shows (bogus) footage of the kiddie show star; Tony Mendez tries to help NYC's reputation by going out and giving a tourist some help, only to end up shoplifting a VCR at a electronics store.

Paul wins the latest round of "Late Show Pay Phone Trifecta"; Dave chats with Steph/Monty via telephone to discuss a blind date that never happened; the "Top Ten Other Television Shows Produced by Saddam Hussein" is sponsored by Altoids.

Dave criticizes the Los Angeles Lakers' "pixie" jerseys; Dave shows news footage of a bear in somebody's swimming pool, and then claims it's his backyard; Paul introduces some dweeb bouncing on a giant red beach ball.

During Mailbag, Dave is repelled by President Bush's daughter "Debbie" (Gerard); ten CBS affiliate weathermen present the Top Ten; Andy Dick promotes Go Fish.

Dave drones on and on about a buzzkill staffer who declined Dave's offer of a free apple; in honor of this unknown staffer, Paul reprises his hit song "Lumpy Colon"; Dave repeats Rupert's very first "bothering people" bit from 1994.

It's time for a segment called "For the Kids." George Clarke hogs the attention of an ice cream vendor, a Toys r Us employee takes a bow, Tony attempts to teach basic phrases in Spanish before going on another one of his rants, and Alan gives birth.

Paul accidentally interrupts the monologue by getting attacked by a bee during the monologue, and Dave gives him grief for the remainder of the show.

Dave presents the new studio floor, which is now dark blue after several years of being crimson red; Dave admits he's having problems with his computer; Biff mentions that he's lost twenty pounds in the last month, then introduces yet another "Fun with a Bullhorn" segment.

Mailbag: "Have you ever seen the Monkey Man?" Dave introduces the Monkey Man, who as any keen-eyed viewer can attest, is actually Gerard Mulligan in disguise. Monkey Man shows us a clip what is supposed to be his footage of him wrecking havoc, but instead it's him superimposed on Shecky's "monkey washing the cat" stock footage. Afterward, Dave observes, "That's it. That's the lowest we've sunk... ever."

Dave celebrates Bob Dylan's 60th birthday with concert footage of a very old man struggling to play the guitar; Tony Orlando interrupts Dave to sing an original number about Memorial Day; Badly Drawn Boy (aka Damon Gough) performs "Once Around the Block."

Ray Benson sits in; "NYPD Chief of Police" William DeLace gives tips to college grads; baseball great Lawrence "Yogi" Berra promotes his autobiography.

Dave shows the audience his favorite (bogus) moment from last night's show: astronaut/billionaire Dennis Tito vaporizing Dave's head with his laser eyes. Also, Ellen Degeneres promotes an upcoming cable special, while a Stupid Human Trick is performed twice.

Buddy Guy sits in on guitar; Dave congratulates Regis on his much-deserved Daytime Emmy win; Steph/Monty tells an amusing story about her incontinent Doberman; Alan Kalter has a special message for the five wives of a recently convicted polygamist in Colorado City, Utah.

Mailbag: harp player Gloria Agostini plays live accompaniment for the chin-rubbing flashbacks, Anton feeds his goldfish chips and salsa, and Tony ruins the season finale of The Sopranos by dropping the bombshell en espanol.

A technical issue near Paul's keyboards is repaired in the middle of the first act; Dave mentions that a cover of The Weathergirls' "It's Raining Men" (written by Paul in 1983) is the #1 hit in the UK for the second week in a row; Dave apologizes in person to Miss Columbia Andrea Noceli, then almost forgets to give her flowers.

Dave tells a string of "It's so dry…" jokes during the monologue; David Byrne performs "Like Humans Do."

Returning to last night's controversy, Dave announces Miss Columbia 2001 will be a guest on Thursday's show, then profusely apologizes for the heroin-smuggling remark; Dave shows an ad for CNN's season-ending cliffhanger; R.E.M. performs "All the Way to Reno (You're Going To Be a Star").

Dave calls Art Kelly (the theater receptionist) about a possibly offensive joke from last Fridays' monologue involving Miss Columbia and having smuggling heroin as her talent. Dave apologizes (sort of) to a Columbian consulate, then goes on with the rest of show. Also, "Biff Henderson's America" takes a look at the hamlet of Whiting, Maine.

Biff Henderson ends his tour of the US during the "CBS Mailbag" segment (final stop: Mt. Rushmore) as Dave chats with "Dr. Steven Hatfill" (Gerard). Later, Dave welcomes "Jiminy Glick" star Martin Short.

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Osama congratulates Dave for nine years at CBS; Jake Gyllenhall promotes "Moonlight Mile."

Dave forces Steph/Monty to ask John Travolta, "How can I get in touch with the other Sweathogs?"

Dave announces that tomorrow night Paul will be inducted into the National Black Sports and Entertainment Hall of Fame. Later, Chris Elliott and Dave reminiscense.

"SNL" star Jimmy Fallon promotes the MTV Video Music Awards, which he's hosting.

Biff pushes pins into a map right in front of the famous Hollywood sign in L.A.; Alan and his twin brother Rick appear on "American Idol"; upon hearing of a proposed talk show hosted by Bill Clinton on CBS, Dave shows a promo for NBC's "The Saddam Hussein Show."

Dave shows a timeline of President Bush's vacation, while Al Pacino promotes the movie "Simone."

Sitting in with the band tonight is an unknown winner from the previous night's Teen Choice Awards. Later, Robin Williams plugs "One Hour Photo."

Dave welcomes "Friends" star Matthew Perry, who is promoting a new movie. Meanwhile, a performance by the Aussie rock group The Vines blows the audience (and Dave) away.

Biff's Summer Tour continues as Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band perform "Lonesome Day."

Mike Myers promotes "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band performs "The Rising."

Dave reads articles from obscure newspapers in a segment called "Small Town News." Later, Little Richard sings "Good Golly, Miss Molly."

Dave and Rupert play "The Late Show Celebrity X-Ray Challenge." Tonight's celebrity is James Caan.

It's the dog days of summer, which might explain why Biff is sitting on a block of ice. Later, Julia Stiles talks about her hair.

During "CBS Mailbag," Paul exaggarates some of the many great tourist destinations of his hometown in Ontario. Later, Bill Cosby talks about his Congressional Medal of Honor.

During "Know Your Current Events," Dave seems to fixate on attractive women. Later, Weezer plays "Keep Fishin'."

Dave chats with a "bear rehabilitator;" Dana Carvey promotes his movie "Master of Disguise;" the "Charts and Graphs" segment reveals that the contents of Ding Dongs are 50% Dings and 50% Dongs.

Rupert goes golfing; Calvert DeForest turns 81; Kristen Johnston promotes her appearance in Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" in Central Park.

George Clarke flies a kite from a taxi; Haley Joel Osment promotes his movie, "The Country Bears;" Dashboard Confessional performs "Saints and Sailors."

Biff's latest stop on his tour is Washington, DC; Dave chats with "Martha Stewart" (Gerard) and her lawyer made of pine cones during CBS Mailbag; Ted Koppel shows off his impeccable comic timing, then delivers a cape to Paul for his Friday night breakdown.

Just for the hell of it, the annual "Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge" is held in the middle of July; Dave quizzes the audience with "Know Your Current Events;" Robert Plant sings "Darkness, Darkness."

Sarah Jessica Parker talks about her unborn child; Alan appears to be on the brink of sanity; Dave stumps the audience with a "Beach Quiz."

Steph/Monty and Dave play another round of "Psychic Sandwich." Later, Dave wrecks havoc during a cooking segment with New York restaurant owner Mario Batali.

Dave admits to being in a disproportionatly good mood during a segment called "Late Show Newsmakers;" the Dave Matthews Band becomes the second band ever to perform on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Biff's Summer Tour stops at Niagara Falls. Meanwhile, during CBS Mailbag, George Clarke talks about his plans for the Fourth of July; Alan Kalter struts his "mastery" of the French language.

Dave plays "Know Your Current Events" with the audience. Later, Paul Newman talks about auto racing while promoting "Road to Perdition."

Dave talks about a snake in his house; Alan Kalter seduces a CPR dummy during a segment called "What's New for Summer;" Pat and Kenny read a transcript of Oprah's interview with Jennifer Lopez; Robin Williams promotes a movie and a broadway show.

Zeke, the "Rabid Dingo" that bit Dave in June 2000, makes a return appearance on "Stupid Pet Tricks." Later, rubyhorse sings "Sparkle."

Biff goes out in van, annoying people with a bullhorn. Later, Steph/Monty asks "Road to Perdition" star Tom Hanks, "During the filming, did the crew see or touch any monkeys?"

The "Late Show CBS Mailbag Biff Henderson Map Across America Summer Tour" lands at the Statue of Liberty. Later, Ben Kweller performs "Wasted and Ready."

The audience is victorious once more when they play "Stump the Band." Later, Dave shows a very obnoxious commerical for the upcoming G-8 Summit.

Dave reads from random wedding announcements in the New York Times in a segment called "Will It Last?"

Dave makes several enlightening remarks about the National Hollerin' Champions from North Carolina, who later perform their winning hollers; Adam Sandler plugs Mr. Deeds.

Will Smith promotes "Men In Black 2," while the US Men's World Cup Soccer Team holds an exhibition on the roof of the theater.

Biff and Bruce Willis push pins in Hawaii during CBS Mailbag, while Dave lands on the cover of "Martha Stewart Living."

The U.S. National Team presents "Top Ten Ways to Get Americans Excited About Soccer;" Dave brags about buying his first car at Harrison Ford; The Trail of Dead performs "Relative Ways."

The bird callers of Piedmont High School demonstrate their wares once more; Moby sings "We Are Made of Stars."

George Clarke stands on the roof of the Studio 54 building to hit golf balls, hoping to go over the Ed Sullivan Theater and break glass on the WPI building on its far side. After successfully breaking one window, Steph/Monty, Alan, and Al Franken each take a few swings at the windows.

Dave takes inventory of all his favorite clips (the "wild dingo," the baby owl eating the mouse, Dubya looking confused, etc.); Tom Cruise shows off his braces; during a segment called "Don't Try This At Home," Mike McIntee sprays Windex into his mouth.

Biff does his pushpin schtick live from the Grand Canyon, and Dave persuades him to yell "Hey, Mommy!" just to see if there's an echo. Also, Paul does a somewhat convincing James Brown impression, suffers a nervous breakdown onstage, and Dave comes by to bring him his cape.

Dave and Paul talk about their cholesterol levels; Freddie Prinze, Jr. promotes Scooby-Doo; Alicia Keys sings "How Come You Don't Call Me?"

Sarah Michelle Geller promotes Scooby-Doo while John McEnroe tells Dave a funny story about getting thrown out of the Australian Open back in his playing days.

Dave comments on the Nets' playoff run; Alan performs another scene from Double Indemnity, this time with a Edward G. Robinson stand-in; David Bowie performs "Slow Burn."

Mailbag: "Is This Anything?" fave Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl stands next to Biff while he puts the pushpins in the map; twelth floor receptionist Art Garfunkel provides his own on-hold music; Alan beats the crap out of an Amish guy, then when Dave explains that the Amish are pacifists, Alan heads back to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, accuses the Amish guy of being brainwashed by Dave, and beats him up again.

An audience member explains to Dave how to pronounce the name of her hometown: "You're saying Morristown. It's not Morristown. It's Morristown." Also, Dave chats with Abi Thomas, a jogger who was attacked by a bear at Yellowstone National Park.

Dave and Paul try to figure out a strange gesture that Celine Dion made during her TV concert earlier that week. Later, Chris Rock talks about Don King and Bucky Dent.

Dave accuses Rupert of product placement on "May We See Your Photos, Please"; Alan addresses the Queen of England in a rather inappropriate way; Celine Dion performs "I'm Alive" and jumps into the audience.

While showing photos from her trip to the Indianapolis 500, Dave calls Steph/Monty "Dutch"; the snake lady performs again on "Is This Anything?"; Tom Dreesen tells various tales of Hollywood hobnobbing.

Dave announces that Paul will be called Pablo this summer, which will go into effect immediately; Dave promises tonight's show will be "smooth and suave"; during Mailbag, an audience member asks Dave what his most embarrassing moment was, and we watch a (phony) clip of Dave performing with The Firecrackers last week.

During CBS Mailbag, Stephanie dons a kilt, while it is revealed that George Clarke resorted to cannibalism during the big blackout two weeks ago. Later, Rooney performs ""I'm Trying.""

Venus and Serena Williams present a special Top Ten list. Later, David Spade promotes ""Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star.""

Rupert selects a contestant for ""Stop The Slicer;"" Bill Murrays shows off his look and plugs ""Lost In Translation;"" Pete Sampras discusses his recent retirement.

""Grinder Girl"" Kiva Kahl fills in tonight for the Late Show Dancers; Chris Rock talks about his upcoming gig as host of the MTV Video Music Awards; The Star Spangles perform.

A pair of buglers interrupt the monologue; David Duchovny talks about how he is unintentionally scaring his daughter; The New Amsterdams perform ""Spoils of the Spoiled.""

Motocross ""badass"" Carey Hart does a few stunts on 53rd St.; Stephanie dons a Little Bo Peep get-up for ""CBS Mailbag;"" ""Arnold Schwarzenegger"" (Gerard) drops by; Brittany Murphy promotes ""Uptown Girls"" (and gets in a few good-natured rips on former beau Ashton Kutcher); Dashboard Confessional sings.

Dave and Paul play ""Referee or Foot Locker Employee?""; Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly talks about a lifetime of experiences as a celebrity golf caddy.

Rupert and George Clarke square off to see who can eat the most raw oysters. Later, Colin Farrell promotes the movie ""S.W.A.T.""

A barbershop quartet interrupts Dave during the monologue; Biff plays DH for the Brockton Rox baseball team; Alan has a special message for Liza Minelli.

A man on fire rushes upon the stage, and Dave struggles to put out the flames. Later, Naomi Watts talks about her dog, which she has named Bob.

Dave thinks somebody is ""monkeying"" with his chair; Stephanie dresses up as a mountie; Alan debuts his new show ""You're Busted!"" during CBS Mailbag.

As a tribute to George Miller, Dave repeatedly uses his favorite catch phrase, ""In my pants!"" Meanwhile, a commercial that Dave taped reveals that California governor Gray Davis once beat a man to death with a crowbar in a convinence store.

Pete Fatovich serenades Dave on the accordion; Rupert goes water skiing; Eugene Levy and Paul look back on their long friendship.

Dave meets a six-year-old bowling phenom; Jason Biggs promotes the movie ""American Wedding.""

Dave wants to know if the 500 feet of co-axial cable being used in tonight's ""Will It Float?"" is coiled or not. When he finds out that it is coiled, he demands it to be uncoiled. Later, Queens of the Stone Age perform their hit ""Go With The Flow.""

Stephanie, dressed as a jockey, counts off the letters for ""CBS Mailbag."" (Her horse has its own way of signifying ""number two."") Later, British Open champion Ben Curtis shoots golf balls off the roof of the theater.

Following last night's performance by Jane's Addiction, ""Mr. S"" (Paul) hires backup dancers for the CBS Orchestra; Osama offers condolences to Saddam; Ten baseball greats present a special Top Ten about the perks of being in the Hall of Fame.

In honor of one of this summer's biggest blockbusters, Dave plays ""How Many Guys In Pirate Costumes Can Fit Into a Sandwich Shop?"" Later, Jane's Addiction performs ""Just Because.""

Dave chats with Aron Ralston, the mountain climber who had to amputate his own arm following a climbing accident.

Dave ventures into the audience for yet another round of ""Know Your Current Events;"" Jeff Bridges promotes the movie ""Seabiscuit.""

Steph/Monty dresses up as a cowgirl for CBS Mailbag; Ari Fleishcher talks about his 2 1/2 years as Dubya's press secretary; Beyonce sings her smash hit ""Crazy In Love.""

Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Barry Zito stands on the roof of the Broadway Theater, throwing baseballs at the Ed Sullivan Theater windows. Later, Grandaddy performs ""Now It's On.""

George Clarke and Dave play ""Would You Like To Ride In Our Freight Elevator?"" Later, Dave welcomes an elderly (if not faithful) fan who made it to the audience after watching the show every night for 15 years.

Dave half-jokingly announces his candidacy for Ohio's seat in the US Senate, then flirts with Lisa Marie Presley.

Jimmy Fallon of ""SNL"" fame sings an original composition about December-May relationships. Later, he chats with Chloe Sevigny and ""Late Show"" writer Bill Scheft.

Dave talks about his recent trip to the dentist. Later, Stephanie ""Monty"" Birkett dresses up as a princess for ""CBS Mailbag.""

During ""Who Asked For It?,"" Alan uses CPR as an excuse to make out with an audience member; Dave makes his first PA announcement in almost four years, telling the crowd outside the theater that they're about to be hosed with ""Mountain Dew"" (water); Dave chats with a six-year-old girl from Florida who ran a controversial lemonade stand.

Drew Barrymore promotes her new movie; Simon Cowell of ""American Idol"" fame talks about his new reality show ""Cupid.""

Demi Moore promotes her new movie ""Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle,"" her first major studio movie in six years. Later, Dave welcomes singer-songwriter Michelle Branch.

Kelsey Grammer (aka Frasier Crane) talks about his 20-month-old daughter, then chats with fellow deep-voiced thespian James Earl Jones.

B.B. King sits in with the band; Biff teaches Dave how to ride a Segway; ""Dr. William Gammons"" gives the audience advice on monkeypox.

Rupert and Dave play ""Name That Baldwin""; Rob Reiner brags about his recent weight loss; Paul Teutel and Paul Teutel Jr. of the cable reality show American Chopper demonstrate their knack for building motorcycles.

Dave celebrates an important milestone; Biff Henderson goes to a senior prom in New Jersey; Dave chats with Hillary Clinton.

Host Tom Green (an Ottawa Senators fan) gets body-checked by Scott Stevens of the rival New Jersey Devils. Also, comedian Isaac Witty and singer-songwriter Damien Rice make their respective network television debuts.

On ""CBS Mailbag,"" Alan Kalter is beaten up by leprechauns, plus Dave welcomes Harrison Ford, which gives him the chance to rehash a favorite line: ""I bought my first car at ""Harrison Ford!""

Lauren Graham talks about her recent real estate acquisition; Marv Albert shows some of his favorite bloopers.

Dave and Paul play ""Millionaire or Kenny?"" Later, Barbara Gaines (making a rare on-camera appearance) receives a surprise birthday cake; Bruce Willis shows off his new hairdo.

Dave talks about a weekend onion-slicing accident involving his pinky, which results in a medical procedure live on stage.

Tom Arnold fills in for Dave as he takes yet another night off. Later on, Tom welcomes longtime ""SNL"" cast member Darrell Hammond and rock group Train.

Dave and Paul discuss skin diving; Dave makes the new Hillary Clinton memoirs the butt of several jokes; Seth Green promotes The Italian Job.

Dave mentions that Tom Arnold will be filling in for him Friday night; staffer Eddie Valk participates in ""Can a Guy in a Horse Suit Get into FlashDancers?"" After successfully enter the nudie bar, Eddie then attempts to hail a taxi but ends up annoying passerby.

Tisziji Munoz (a mentor of Paul's) sits in on guitar; Rupert and a Long Island girl play ""Stop the Slicer""; Alan introduces a video montage of what are intended to be various celebrities, but Dave criticizes him and Alan starts sobbing; Alec Baldwin tells an amusing story about his hypochondria.

In honor of a recent Team Rahal victory, Dave makes car noises; Steph/Monty discusses last weekend's Indianapolis 500 via telephone; ""What's on the Barbeque"" finds Biff trying to guess what type of meat is being cooked on the grill built last week on the show; Dave tries to persuade tonight's guests to also make engine noises.

Throughout the night, Biff assembles a Weber Grill in the lobby; half the audience is comprised of sailors; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar delivers Paul's cape.

Dave announces that the unwieldy-huge Late Show mug that debuted last night is available for parties, and Dave attempts to sip some coffee out of it; Liam Lynch performs his novelty hit ""United States of Whatever.""

Dave shows off the latest oversized Late Show mug; Regis admits his contempt for last night's comedy bit at Hello Deli; 3 Doors Down performs ""The Road I'm On.""

After Dave makes a joke about CBS' recent miniseries about Adolf Hitler, Paul and the band plays ""Danke Schoen;"" a woman is given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to call, and then hang up on Regis; Alan has a few words to say about ""American Idol;"" Jim Carrey shows off his idea for a reality show; Chevelle performs ""Send The Pain Below.""

Dave does the ""Charts and Graphs"" segment for the first time in over a year; Mark Wahlberg talks about his girlfriend, unborn child, and new house; The Sounds perform ""Seven Days a Week.""

Dave bids farewell to longtime writer Gerard Mulligan with a sitdown interview and a clip montage heavy on NBC-era footage.

Michael Bearden and Anton continue to fill in for Paul, prompting Dave to ask Anton how Paul would respond to some of his comments tonight; during Mailbag, Pat Farmer determines the length of a "New York Minute" but ends up getting robbed and beaten instead; "Tom Ridge" (Gerard) discusses homeland security, then breaks into song; Tom Cruise promotes Collateral.

Former President Clinton discusses a wide variety of topics with Dave, then signs a copy of his book for Harry. Also, Natalie Merchant performs "Sally Ann."

The guest chairs are replaced and Dave's desk has been altered; during "Who Asked For It?" an audience member vaporizes himself; Pamela Anderson brags about having sex without dating.

Anton (still filling in for Paul) plays "Will It Float?" for the first time; Rosie Perez tells a funny story about an actor who spits when he speaks; Alan Kalter asks Dave to talk about his latest love of his life, then gets beaten up by the women's brother.

Biff tries unsuccessfully to interview Michael Moore; Natalie Portman talks about sleeping with her dog Charlie; Ambulance Ltd. performs "Primative."

A remarkably ornery Dave attempts to apologize to Regis via telephone but hangs up on him, then answers every question on CBS Mailbag with a resilient "who cares?" Also, Bob Newhart discusses the statue built in honor of him in Chicago and then does a fairly decent impression of Dr. Henry Kissinger.

With the Olympics approaching, Dave reminds the audience that he's on steroids; a standby audience member calls up Regis and tells him to shove it; Biff makes his second report from Boston; Dave scratches his chin in a borderline-offensive manner.

An audience member from Cincinnati suspends a grape in air by blowing on it; Dave comments on Krispy Kreme's new doughnut shake, followed by a fake ad for Burger King's new liquid Whopper; Britney Murphy and Dave pinky-swear; troubled comedienne Paula Poundstone jokes about her time in detox.

We watch news footage of Pete Rose's restaurant being looted of everything except a Late Show t-shirt; while addressing the Sandy Berger controversy, Dave unwittingly spits on Tony; The Hives perform "Walk Idiot Walk."

In honor of the 35th anniversary of the moonwalk, it's time for a new game at Hello Deli called "Would You Like to Plant a Flag on the Moon?" Rupert brings in a contestant from Yukon, Oklahoma, and Dave gives her a hard time about it.

Dave gloats over Rahal/Letterman Racing's visit to the White House earlier in the day; three stagehands attempt to smear a camera lens with sunscreen from 90 feet above street level; Denzel Washington promotes The Manchurian Candidate.

Audience Show & Tell: Dave chats with a meteorologist from Connecticut who was once mentioned on "Know Your Current Events." Also, Dorothy celebrates her 83rd birthday with a Dave stand-in and a refrigerator full of Red Bull and vodka.

Dave compares President Bush to Porky Pig; during Mailbag, a young, fairweather Letterman fan is thrown out of the theater; Hilary Duff promotes A Cinderella Story.

Dave continues to discuss motorcycles; Alan's baseball commentary is interrupted by the return of that guy who used to beat the daylights out of him several years back; to prove some sort of point, Will Smith sticks his butt in Dave's face.

In the debut edition of "Where They Would Have Gone For Their Summer Vacation," Biff tells Dave that Charles Bronson would've gone to Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut; Jeopardy! super-contestant Ken Jennings presents the Top Ten; Dave admits to Kristen Davis that he was "watching hard" while viewing Sex & the City reruns on TBS.

The musical talents of Paul, Felecia, and Bruce are laid to waste once more on "Stump the Band"; "Fat Spider-Man" (George Clarke) presents a remote Top Ten; David Sedaris reads an except from his new book, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.

Two lumberjacks compete against each other out on 53rd Street, while Will Ferrell shows Dave a home movie of his four-month-old "baby" (a sports car).

Dave turns on the hose-cam again, shooting water at unsuspecting passersby; during Mailbag, Dave shows footage from the new Spiderman movie (actually the classic 60's cartoon) of Doc Ock torturing Spidey with a clip from the Late Show; Jon Heder promotes Napoleon Dynamite.

A husband and wife combo plays the "Late Show Bill Clinton Memoir Challenge," in which they must find the name "Monica" in his new book within thirty seconds. Later, Pat and Kenny recreate Oprah's recent interview with the former president.

Dave admits that after spending all weekend watching documentaries about building motorcycles, he wants a hog for himself. At the end of the show, Dave forms a motorcycle "gang" with Paul, Dave Dorsett, and Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes.

"Know Your Current Events" is played for the first time in over six months; Dave spills coffee on his lap, and Paul suggests hydrogen peroxide to clean it off; "Dwight the Troubled Teen" breaks character to remind people not to download illegally.

During a "New Products" segment, Dave sinks his teeth into some charcoal briquets, which he swallows with mouthwash. Also, The Secret Machines (in their TV debut) perform "Now Here to Nowhere."

Dave announces that he and Paul will be in this weekend's Gay Pride parade; past contestant Jennie Ford plays "Super Trump or Monkey;" Ken Griffey, Jr. presents the Top Ten; Nicole Richie (reality star and adopted daughter to Lionel Richie) tells Dave how she conquered heroin addiction.

Throughout the night, George Clarke eats fish sticks on the roof to honor a certain band performing on the marquee; for the third night in a row, Dave shows (well-edited) footage of a guy cheating on Jeopardy; Phish performs "Scents and Subtle Sounds" and unwittingly stops traffic in the process.

Michael Moore discusses his infamous speech at the 2003 Oscars and promotes Fahrenheit 9/11; Dave tries on Miss Universe's sash and tiara; Los Lobos performs "Charmed."

To further promote Popeye's Green Beans, Dave and Paul eat Popeye's chicken and give fun facts; Ben Stiller attempts to break windows across the street with a dodge-ball, but ends up falling off the building.

Dave shows us another photo of Harry; Paris Hilton discusses The Simple Life and her now-infamous sex tape; Patti Scialfa (Mrs. Bruce Springsteen) performs "23rd Street Lullaby."

Jim Gaffigan comments on married life and becoming a father for the first time. Also, Paul Anka delivers Paul's cape for this Friday night James Brown homage, then in honor of the retirement of the long-standing gag, performs a parody of "My Way."

In honor of his death earlier that day, Paul and the band performs Ray Charles' "What'd I Say"; Dave sends Matthew Broderick outside to get hosed with water; jazz pianist Jamie Cullum performs "All at Sea."

Dave and Paul have a heated discussion over who would win a fight- "badass" Kid Rock or "nerves of steel" Buddy Rice; during Mailbag, Biff goes to Wisconsin to help out a law student, and ends up smashing a bottle over the kid's head; Dave tries on a racing helmet given to him by 2004 Indy 500 winner Buddy Rice.

In honor of one of tonight's guests (a spelling bee champ), Dave mentions that the most commonly used word in the English language is "biscuit"; a new game called "Cicada/Secada" is botched by Rupert's revealing of the game-board; Bette Midler promotes The Stepford Wives and discusses the joy of bowling.

Dave brags about his Indy 500 win last week; Alan's recap of the first game of the NBA Finals turns into a striptease; Bill Murray announces that he's now moonlighting as a circus clown, wearing an outfit to prove it.

A 1 1/2 pound Porterhouse steak is subjected to "Will It Float?" and despite Dave's scientific argument that a dead animal would more than likely float in water, the meat sinks. Also, Bob Woodward discusses his new book and recent interview with George Bush.

Dave announces that he's had another falling-out with CBS, which may or may not give him the justification to mock the network again; hundreds of sailors walk onstage for "Is This Anything?"; Darrell Hammond performs his best impressions, plus a new imitation of Senator John Kerry.

Mailbag: Steph/Smitty/Gunther is dressed up as Rahal/Letterman racer Buddy Rice; the upcoming cable channel "Logo" declares the Late Show "the gayest show on television;" Dave is interrupted by "Gerry the Cicada" Mulligan, who attempts to dance the Lambada. Later, Gerry is invited back onstage to eat actual cicadas with Dave, Paul and bug expert Nate Erwin.

Dave congratulates Sid McGinnis on becoming a grandfather; karate expert Leif Becker attempts to break 500 boards in a minute, but ends up tying his personal record of 415; ten NBA legends present the Top Ten; for the fourth show in a row, the credits roll over footage of Alan presenting flowers to an unknown woman.

Dave's stand-in is still waiting for his cue; Dave demands to hear the airplane and Cold Mountain SFX again; the stars of The Sopranos perform the Top Ten; Nicole Kidman makes her first appearance on the show in three years.

Dave claims he has a rare form of tuberculosis, and that a Dave stand-in is waiting backstage for when the time comes; Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl reports from her apartment in Brooklyn to discuss a recent leg injury; Gary Mintz fills in for Kiva during "Will It Float?"; The Strokes perform "The End Has No End."

Dave gives Steph/Monty/Smitty another weird nickname ("Gunther") while baseball star Randy "Big Unit" Johnson presents a perfect game-themed Top Ten.

Chef Emil Castillo makes a $1000 frittata (read: omelet), and when completed, Dave smothers it with ketchup; Dave pays tribute to Tony Randall, who passed on that morning; Dave resolves a tickle in his throat with a bottle of Tanqueray.

Kelly Preston, Jeff Altman and Aimee Mann

Michael Chiklis; comedian Gary Mule Deer; new summer toys with Shannon Eis.

Actress Jennifer Connelly; musical group Eels.

Tom Brokaw; actress Dakota Fanning.

Piedmont Bird Callers; Julian McMahon (""Fantastic Four""); musician Raul Midon.

Actor Jeff Goldblum; musical guests Sleater-Kinney.

Tim Robbins promotes ""War of the Worlds;"" the Purina Junior Agility Dog Challgenge is briefly subjected to controversy; comedian Nick Griffin does stand-up.

Tom Cruise (""War of the Worlds""); musical guest Ben Folds.

Michael Keaton (""Herbie Fully Loaded""); author David Sedaris.

Lindsay Lohan; sports commentator Chris ""Mad Dog"" Russo.

Christopher Walken; U.S. Open golf champion Michael Campbell; musical guest Billy Corgan.

Mark Wahlberg; racing driver Juan Pablo Montoya.

BIll Clinton; Ringo Starr.

Denis Leary; Alanis Morissette.

Dan Aykroyd; Bill Scheft; musician Mike Doughty.

Nicole Kidman; Foo Fighters.

Al Franken; Ellen Pompeo.

Katie Holmes; musical group Shout Out Louds.

Russell Crowe; Paul Anka.

Cedric The Entertainer; Indianapolis 500 winner Dan Wheldon; musical guests The Black Eyed Peas.

Ben Stiller and Shelly Fairchild stop by. Also, Top Ten with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

An audience member compares Dave to Alfred E. Neuman; Dave and Paul play "Let's Scare the Hell Out of Rupert"; Busta Rhymes performs "Touch It, I Love My B----, New York S---."

"Raul Castro" fields questions for the audience; Chris Elliott auditions for the CBS soap "Guiding Light," Razorlight performed "America."

Dave and Steph/Monty play stickball out on 53rd Street; Julianna Margulies discusses overcoming her fear of snakes during a filming of a certain Samuel L. Jackson movie; stand-up comedian "Andy Sansone" bombs in his alleged network television debut; OutKast performed "Morris Brown."

Throughout the night, a guy named Bob Zick stands over by the staircase and laughs at everything Dave says; Samuel L. Jackson stars in the much-hyped sequel "Snakes in a Deli"; elderly sock puppet expert Jack Fisette has a demonstration with Dave; Fatboy Slim performed "That Old Pail of Jeans."

Tonights guests include Jessica Biel and Christina Aguilera.

Dave reads out loud the lost letters of Albert Einstein; "Biff Henderson's 'Where Are They Now?'" looks at the late Buddy Ebsen; Tom Dreesen promotes his new one-man show and takes a few lighthearted jabs at his first wife.

During "Stump the Band," an audience member completely forgets the title of his disputed tune; controversial cyclist "Floyd Landis" is beaten up by the NYPD; The Spinners perform "I'll Be Around" and "Mighty Love."

A short comedy bit involving Dave, Sue Hum, and a bowl of gazpacho is botched; Dave examines Scarlett Johansson's teeth; the Teutel Boys from "American Chopper" show off their newest souped-up cycle, the OCC Splitback.

Dave and Gerard discuss Christie Brinkley's divorce before the show; 2006 Tour de France winner "Floyd Landis" takes a victory lap around the theater; Shannon Eis and Dave goof around during a "New Summer Toys" segment; India.Arie performs "There's Hope."

Sue Hum asks Dave if he could make change for a twenty; the show is interrupted by a phony CBS Special Report; Donald Trump is escorted onstage by four Miss Universe contestants; the Sam Roberts Band performed "Bridge to Nowhere."

Tonight's guests include Martin Short and Pink.

Tonights guests include Uma Thurman and Morgan Spurlock.

A man on the street showers himself under the Late Show Shower-Cam; in honor of her 85th birthday, Dorothy presents the Top Ten; Bryce Dallas Howard promotes "Lady in the Water."

Tonight's guests include Kate Hudson and Patrice O'Neal.

Dave shows a photo of The Doors in response to a pre-show audience question; Tom Brokaw plugs his new book; Paul Simon performs "Outrageous."

The Family Feud board is resurrected; Dave observes film footage of a monkey undergoing a root canal; Fred Willard tells a dirty joke; Martha Wainwright performed Leonard Cohen's "Tower of Song."

Sue Hum walks towards a camera onstage for the sole purpose of applying lipstick; Kevin Spacey shares an amusing anecdote about Courtney Love and Peter O'Toole; The Streets perform "When You Wasn't Famous."

For the first time in several years, Dave asks Steph/Monty to imitate her ex-boyfriend's dancing abilities; Al Gore discusses global warming and the current state of American politics; Rock Kills Kid performed "Paralyzed."

Iraqi terrorist Abu Hamza Al-Muhajir is spotted in the audience; Robert Duvall discusses some of the movies he has appeared in and his wife�s family in Argentina; Sonic Youth performed "Incinerate."

Several naval officers participate in "Stump the Band"; tonight's "Immigrant Success Stories" segment fails to give a through profile to Dr. Henry Kissinger; Dave and Jesse James discuss welding.

Dave reveals the hot new toys for Christmas (seven months early); Jennifer Aniston dodges questions about her relationship with Vince Vaughn; Rob Zombie performs "America Witch."

Dave sends Rupert into the nearby Jamba Juice; Martin Short sings the virtues of the NSA; Biff comments on the Barry Bonds controversy; James Blunt performed "High."