CollegeHumor Shorts

The thrills! The chills! The inconvenience!

Forget the World Cup, bring on the Oscars.

Fixing the country, one burger at a time.

Hey, Hollywood, get down on one knee and chug.

Get inside the mind of Robert Green during his life’s lowest moment.

I need 20 CC’s of gibberish.

Nazis really have very little tolerance for just about anything.

Robert Downey Jr. demanded all of these options.

Once a Nazi, always a Nazi.

Even hotter than the “I’m feeling lucky” button.

Let’s get this DeLorean up to 69 MPH.

This week, CERN found the God Particle. Apparently they’ve also found the Devil Particle.

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.

They’re not playing games.

Sometimes Mario and Luigi have to earn their coins.

Googly eyes are staring directly into your soul.

Live with drawings on your face or die. Make your choice.

This summer, fear controls you.

He who smelled it, spelled it.

The worst part of a glowing orb that contains all the knowledge of human history? Tech support.

Sick of boring tweets? Say his name three times.

There’s no way they can survive on their own.

Now with 60% more ka-pows.

Next on ER… you get your f*cking life destroyed.

Introducing Virkshauzer Lite: the world’s first sports beer.

Internet stardom is man’s real best friend.

Navigation systems just got personal.

They don’t mean to be the bad guy here.

A battle for the ages.

Dane Cook is back with his all new special. Don’t worry, it’s not the end of the world.

Just as well-written as your 8th grade history notes.

An age-old rivalry finally gets settled.

John reunites with Bob Saget for a manly look at tenderness.

Honor. Adventure. Pizza.

Diners, Drive-ins and Dementors.

Nudity is not a crime. These clothes are.

He’s got a lot on his plate.

It’s the naked truth.

Planking is not a crime.

If you want to be her lover, you gotta LARP with her friends.

Think before you snap.

Girls on girls watching porn.

Underwear would be an improvement.

Party like it’s 1399.

Why GTL when you can just go Super Saiyan?

Stay spacey, my friends.

He’s never done this before.

A whimsical tale of mediocrity.

Nudity is not a style.

Leighton Meester has an important message for you.

A son fights for his right to deafen.

Some cliques are harder to get into than Gryffindor.

Parenting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Or not.

Would you rather be trapped in a castle or a relationship?

Leave no package behind.

He’s never thrown a Hail Mary.

They’re here to punch up your jokes.

This next one’s definitely going to ruin his career.

Oh bother, I’ve run out of human meat.

It’s cats vs. dogs in a video game battle for pet supremacy. Cat Wins!

It’s cats vs. dogs in a video game battle for pet supremacy. Dog Wins!

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, no one does it like Ryan Gosling.

More money, more privacy problems.

Hopefully they’ll make a Portal 3 so this song can be in the ending credits.

The biggest financial scam in history is revealed.

Sexy models caught in their natural environment: unnatural environments.

Starbucks is reversing its bathroom policy.

There’s only one thing more important than the fate of the world.

Nobody likes talking about the birds and bees.

Jesus has trouble stealing attention away from the Bloomin’ Onion.

Did you ever wonder what the people in your yoga class were thinking?

The news every father dreads hearing… without his friends around to also hear it.

Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith’s love life.

The only thing more dangerous than dragons is yourself.

The new board game where girls face their biggest fears: dating and death.

Showtime’s new drama presents a world of lies, deceit, and homecoming.

Patrick sits down with real clowns for real talk about the 2012 election. And also about balloon animals.

Can Twilight save America?

The only real losers are the audience.

For all of you Steve Slobs out there.

Sing a song of sadness.

The beard makes the man.

You meme the world to me.

They’re prepared for anything. Way, way too prepared.

Also playing in zero-D.

Minorities have it rough in this country.

Retouching what you couldn’t touch.

It’s Mr. Cook, but you can call him Tim.

Go ahead. Try this at home.

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

She loves the little hell-raisers.

The Good Book has some bad writing.

Negotiations drag on.

A Minecraft player meets his worst nightmare: pixelated hippies.

The truth is out there – or maybe that’s just your finger over the lens.

Gun laws in the United States are incredibly controversial, so let’s sort them out with the ultimate test case for how difficult it is to get yourself a dangerous firearm.

Adam and Jamie question organized religion – the fun way.

The world is divided into two halves: the bacon and the bacon eaters.

An army of one too many.

If you thought the erotic trilogy couldn’t get any sexier then you were correct.

Kevin or Murph must become a one-man army and play paintball against the US Army’s Delta Destroyers.

The pop singer’s derriere strikes out on its own independent carriere.

As seen on FOX Seuss.

The wedding industry’s leading dresser of dudes has this ad spot for their ingenious business model you can’t escape.

The finest vintage money can buy. Your money, anyway.

Barack Obama can’t be the only President who inhaled, right?

The Modern Family star breaks skulls and language barriers.

LeBron James developed his talent, and his bad habits, at an early age.

You don’t only YOLO once.

America can’t just neuralyze away the regret from wasting Memorial Day weekend on a threequel.

It’s Star Wars meets Xbox 360 meets Back to the Future meets your worst nightmare.

More Pulitzers than any other pile of scrap paper.

In a thumb war, Kevin and Murph face-off to see who keeps their clothes on.

Join us as we celebrate the world’s coolest religion – after Jedi, of course.

From the makers of Bud Platinum comes Budweiser Good. It’s fine.

Because it’s easier than going to jail. Sort of.

When Maggie Smith’s teacup goes handle-less, everyone’s a suspect.

Your local zoo presents a live glimpse of nature at its most dysfunctional.

For Bruce Banner, there’s no such thing as safe sex.

Only a viral video can make Congress understand what’s it’s like to go through sex wearing a condom.

The folks at BuzzFeed challenged us to a game of Fruitball. This is our response. (Spoiler: We’re way better.)

Discover the secret to my amazing body.

The CH cast plays Russian Roulette with water balloons filled with water and cologne!

For girls with big boobs, wearing a sports bra is like trying to contain an earthquake in a cup.

It’s like my body knows – it just knows.

A game of Truth or Dare makes these girls reveal more than they thought they would.

Just dinner, fun, drinking, dancing, dying, fucking, murder.

Move over, strippers – there’s a new game in town.

Flummoxed by neckties? Just watch this simple how-to video, you manchild.

Taking a huge shit is like giving birth: difficult, physically demanding, but in the end, kind of beautiful.

Your partner may be gone, but your dignity doesn’t have to be.

Is “Ocean Charge” a drink or a shampoo? What about “Ice Storm”?

For ages 8 and up, and up, and up…

Technology commercials need an upgrade.

HBO’s female viewers argue for a little more genital equality.

Angry passengers create turbulence for the airlines.

You can practically taste the tucked-in Tommy Bahama.

When pizza’s in an ice cream, you can eat pizza anytime.

Just call it a spin on red beans and rice.

The most cringe-inducing words in the English language, together at last!

You’re going to break your neck anyway, why not have fun doing it?

It’s the summer event that’ll have you spending $100 a day to stand in a field.

The classic TMNT theme gets the Michael Bay treatment.

We explore the similarities between these two fragile relationships.

What did she ever do to them?

Welcome to the site where bromances are born.

Clear eyes, full barks, can’t lose.

Who ordered the chicken skins?

As many missteps as the prequels.

There’s no place like home for the holidays, no matter how much you wish there were.

You can’t change your destiny. It just feels too damn good.

Think before you post, America.

Parting is such sugary sweet sorrow.

Support marriage equality – or else.

Maybe some “traditions” need to no longer exist.

In this poignant mini-documentary, find out which gets flushed away: the cake or Emily’s dreams.

In order to move out of your parents’ basement, you must first move into your parents’ basement.

Because the most luxurious treatment is the silent treatment.

The world’s most adorable/perverted game show.

You can’t afford to buy the Apple Watch. She can’t afford to feed her kids.

He’s got an ego the size of Donkey Kong.

We can’t all be Jon Snow.

A truly revolutionary product.

Sorry, but your Grandpa was a creep.

Organized religion freaks me out, but this is kind of cool.

If you feel like a failure, it’s probably because you relatively are.

He likes football, cold beer, and not having a shred of originality.

If the best thing about your childhood was a TV show, maybe it was already ruined.

Who’s a good voyeur? You are!

Adam is here to tell you why everything you know is wrong.

Who can tell?

Douchebags are an occupational hazard.

Every November he swears he’ll change.

The climax is gonna be out of this world.

Because “it’s all like, bullshit dude”.

A guide to making your furry friend even more purr-fect.

It’s cold as a witch’s teat. Or a regular girl’s teat.

Advice from a girl who was recently dumped and totally doesn’t mind at all, you guys.

Other than doggy style.

‘Tis the season of hiber-dating.

Don’t do it!

Helluva way to start a hunting trip.

Have a shitty friend? Set them up with another shitty friend!

Can you make it through the whole thing?

It’s true, fad diets have been around since the dawn of time.

You don’t have to have money to manage it.

Don’t forget the olive.

Just your standard older lady pocket book, with millions from J.P. Morgan.

Pics or GTFO. Actually, just get the fuck out.

It’s so important to buy local, unless you don’t feel like it.

How’s that for gun control?

Only 1% of the contents are useful.

Just what you might have imagined, but more Trump-y.

Here are all the really true, unexaggerated facts about periods!

Great movies, super stupid names.

Mind. Blown.

Because scamming your friends out of money isn’t just fun, it’s also sadly necessary at times.

The sad truth about the Candy Crush Saga.

It’s like your throat is thirsty for air.

A nice, thick plot. And can we talk about that climax?

Ain’t no party like the after party, because you never have to leave.

This isn’t the YMCA.

Finally, a product to stop guys from asking if you’re tired.

It’s a sad day when the guys you’re dating are scarier than serial killers.

I’m just your average dork who loves makeup!

Manipulating your parents into loving you forever.

Because we needed to know how a sith takes a shit.

The laws of time simply do not apply to Ronda Rousey.

If only it were that easy.

Yeah, these are real.

Still less depressing than the Olive Garden.

Just give up. You’re an adult now.

This is why the fuck you can’t get to sleep.

Where alcoholics can pose as shitty athletes.

He literally had a diary titled “My Struggle”.

It’s almost as if New Year’s Eve consistently fails to live up to our collective expectations.

First, you’re gonna need about 500 potatoes, 300 carrots, and 5 to 6 fresh humans.

Just because you haven’t talked since high school doesn’t mean you can’t share a holiday stuffing.

Seriously, nobody wants whiskey stones.

Half-empty Splenda packets all over your kitchen counter? You might have Sad Girl House.

They haven’t had this much fun since the jazz.

Definitely not three dudes who dressed up like grandmas to score free weed.

Why use 12 good apps when you can use one shitty app?

Zillow helps you find the perfect home that you could absolutely never afford.

Car maintenance is all about knowing when to call your dad.

We’ve got hot dogs without buns, an un-openable can of refried beans AND stuff to make s’mores.

Tonight: your Republican dad, your uninformed mom, and your sister, a liberal arts sophomore.

Hint: a lot.

Bragging about your temperament is like telling someone how cool you are.

We are duty bound to try to hump those probably-models.

Now you too can enjoy your beautiful, creamy ranch without being treated like a trash possum.

The boys explore the feminine mysteries of bicycles.

You can never get the back pimples by yourself.

Watch him come.

Nothing spices up a stale relationship like meddling in the affairs of your single friends!

America needs you! What if we have to do a mail merge? Or build out macros in Excel?

Sad! Saaaad! Very sad.

Preaching to the high choir.

A/K/A: Grant Tries to Plan His Friday Night

If there’s one thing both parties can agree on, it’s that they love Paul Revere cosplay.

Simple solutions to fixing up your garbage pile of an apartment.

Why don’t you let us do the grilling so we can avoid conversation for the rest of the party?

Pose next to a tiger or GTFO.

The internet can be an awful place sometimes.

Sure, it’s a little messy, but there are so many places to ash!

New from Chompsky’s: All the shameful self-hatred of eating peanut butter with a spoon, in the convenience of a potato chip!

Ok, they’re gay. Now, for a super chill, totally laid-back way to just like CASUALLY hint that you are too or whatever.

Is this blackmailer’s evidence of you looking fucking hot or committing a crime?

Oh, yeah, fit that injured puppy with a lil’ prosthetic leg.

Why don’t we both get something, and we can share?

Boy meets grill.

What’s a couple hours of sleep every night for love?

He eats lighters.

Dream Phone was SO heteronormative.

Oh, a problem with my account? Well, prepare for a tantrum that blames you personally.

Take that, student loans!

I’ll have the “corking fee”.

It’s healthier to cook for yourself! Right?

You can’t handle the merch booth.

I told you “Kazaam” was a different movie!

Legend has it people used to tweet tiny, comical stories, known colloquially as “jokes” or “goofs”.

Doing your taxes is easy if you make stuff up.

Audition? What’s that, some sort of exciting new Ford truck model?

When it comes to make-up, less is muhhrrrrrrrg.

Just like the momentary distraction your mom used to make!

A party guest most foul.

The truth is powerful, and it takes constant vigilance to drown out that truth with noise.

Don’t worry – it’s so easy, there’s literally no reason not to do it, you entitled piece of sh*t.

Everyone knows the pants wiener is inflated by massaging on the private areas.

Don’t forget: this will still be a destructive, constantly shitting nightmare.

Shirtless bro pics are always a red herring.

The twirling spaghetti fork pairs exceptionally well with the wine purse.

Pretty much exactly as awesome as it sounds.

If your picture’s a selfie it looks like you don’t have friends.

It’s not sad, but Rekha makes sure everyone else knows that.

Tinder, Bumble, Hinge: all different dating apps, all crush your soul into dust.

God also clogged the toilet in the break room.

We haven’t seen it, but we sure have a lot of opinions about it.

The sport where both teams lose!

I have a dream… ugh, wait, no one wants to hear about my dreams, do they?

You go (to jail) girl!

Watch The Big Boy Theory, every third Sunday at noon on NBS!

My phone? Couldn’t it just be a distant relative or something?

Everyone should have guns. That’s right. EVERYONE.

GET THESE THINGS OUTTA ME.

Maybe wizards should figure out a way to conjure up Google Maps.

When you have a child, your bones automatically turn into sidewalk chalk.

It’s the best worst night of the year.

One year later, and we still don’t know how tall Grant is.

He’s a true loose cannon, by which we mean, not actually affiliated with the police force in any way.

Who could forget perhaps Ansel Adams’ greatest work, “Dog I Saw Near Trader Joe’s”?

Someday you’ll paint those other 3 walls!

Watch out. This Thanksgiving dinner is covered in live opinions.

Some people call them a crime against God, other people call them just plain delicious.

People have been buying bowls in a store since the beginning of stores and bowls. Isn’t it time for a change?

Much of the food was provided thanks to Squanto (my roommate’s work friend’s DJ name).

The world is really going to shit, and now’s the time to do something. Or maybe we’ll wait until it gets even shittier?

I am woman, hear me roar! Whoa, that was a really loud roar, so sorry about that.

Every Thursday, I’ve got a thing at 7:30 after work, and it takes me 37 minutes to get there? That’s why I go to the Awkward Amount of Time Station!

Your crappy hometown is the #1 tourist destination for every traveler that needs to go there so their parents aren’t sad!

You may have never actually worked out on this exercise machine, but at least you broke a sweat moving it in and then throwing it out?

Good god, making a man watch a whole baseball game? In one sitting? The Geneva Convention exists for a reason, you savages!

Wait a minute, all this crap I’ll never use is free? Sign me up. Sign-ups are free, right?

It’s not every day you meet all 6 of your soulmates at once.

Stage Six: Hats. So many hats.

If you want to be a real MAN’S MAN, you better shut down all your feelings! Live your life terrified of showing any weakness! Clench your jaw literally your entire life!

It’s like a hipper, sexier version of the Bank of America app. That’s what kids want, right?

Just think about what your sister and mom have to deal with. They don’t deserve that. Other people might. I don’t know them. Whatever. That’s their deal. Have you seen Ballers?

Black Panther really started a hip new trend!

Honestly, even calling it beer is a bit of a stretch.

Thank god that Rekha noticed Trapp had no case on his phone. If she hadn’t, who knows how long this negligence would have gone on.

We even added subtitles, cuz we know what you’re doing.

Relationships come and go, but a franchise is forever.

I’ve never been funny before, but I’ll try it right now, on the most important day of your life.

Jess is the mother of four beautiful, bouncing, adult comedy writers.

America has spoken, and it wants TV that’s more divisive than ever.

Can you throw our ball back, Katie? Well? Can you?

Daddy like—a little too much.

Daddy like? No, seriously, what does he like?

Their apartments are basically the same, except for one of them being “condemned by the city”.

Slide into the DMs: the only game show where we cannot legally show you the prize.

Chompsky’s invents new reasons for women to be embarrassed—and the products to fix them.

I don’t pay taxes because I’m a revolutionary, not because I’m too lazy to figure out how to do it.

As someone in a happy relationship who has no clue what you’re talking about, here’s my advice.

Grant is here to give you five helpful tips on making the most of your extremely solitary meals.

Because it’s the least they could do. Literally. It’s pretty much the actual, mathematical, least.

Nothing’s “cool” about war. Except for that one laser gun. That thing kicks ass. Hell yeah.

Dope, dope, dope.

You’re welcome, ladies.

It’s time to gather everybody – absolutely everybody – to fight Thanos.

Raph and Jess say Rekha is too good to date their friends, because for some reason they are best friends with terrible, terrible people.

Rekha, Siobhan, Ally and Jessica try to figure out when the right time is to start licking the plate. There’s SUCH A STIGMA about licking the plate too early in a relationship!

Is life even worth living without the precious, precious trash in your backpack?

What? Kids love chocolate.

The sport where spooning matters.

Can you write me a prescription for that one thing that bothers me every day but I do nothing about?

Ever since Brennan moved to the West Coast, he can’t handle sub zero temperatures. SOFT!

Do you even know what a “schmekel” is??

He likes to choose his words very carefully, but not exactly.

All the good guys are taken or died in the Civil War, amirite?!

Raph stars in another top-notch sketch about the difficulties of spelling over the phone, from the folks here at Charlie Hotel.

Who are these buff men running about during my celebration of capitalism? They’re not even doing anything funny!

For too long, workout apps have been too obsessed with actually working out, and not with the fact that you actually have a lot going on right now.

Hey, at least hell’s got an open bar.

THIS WHOLE THING IS BUILT ON LIES.

This is a sketch about getting fingered at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. Enjoy!

Nothing like a confusing cocktail of love, nostalgia, and stress.

See more from everyone’s favorite family values spokesman who doesn’t know what breastfeeding is.

Finally, Tumblr’s returning to its family-friendly roots, like BDSM (Buddies Doing Social Media)!

Some elves make Red Rider BB guns, some elves forge artillery for the gods.

With a little bit of math, and a little bit of teaching, Raph can tell you how to STOP. TEXTING. AT 5 IN THE MORNING.

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! The time being two weeks paid vacation, with early pension and luxury accommodations.

Football is good, old-fashioned fun. However, this fun does cause degenerative brain disease.

Grant and Ally are here to evaluate Raph’s Thanksgiving performance.

Katie’s lavish Thanksgiving feast is just as good whether it’s served on plates or in coffee filters and an empty Chapstick tube.

“The hardest job in the world is being Kanye’s social media manager, easy.” – single mothers

This halloween, all the good apps, bad apps, and apps that are kind of both are here to trick-or-treat at Trapp’s house!

Why would you not want to be terrified?! What else are you going to watch, videos of people hugging?

Waking up with Twitter is like waking up to flock of singing birds outside your window except they’re not singing they’re screaming and a surprising amount of the birds are Nazis.

Rekha is in the market… the market of secrets. And she’s looking to sell, for a very reasonable price… that she won’t say out loud.

Forget the NES Classic, SNES Classic, Playstation Classic, the School Computer Classic has everything from Bugdom to, uh, Bugdom!

Why do an investigation when @Disturbdfan420 already knows everything you could possible need?

All businesses have a growing period! We’re just growing downwards! Impressively fast!

Head back to school in style with these fashions that scream “I am a student”.

She loves to hate it and hates to love it.

Some light spanking would really get this hostage situation going.

If you can scrounge for it in the trash like a little raccoon, it’s not worth buying in a store.

Garbage is what it is, and that’s where it belongs.

College is about exploring, from sex to sewing a man’s head to a dog.

Freezing inside, boiling outside: you never get to be comfortable!

You control this narrative, and you’re still the villain of it.

Technology has always been scary and evil.

A heartwarming tale of… terrible people?

George R.R. Martin better start looking for a new gig, because Bran can do beautiful flip kicks now.

Know exactly where someone’s plagiarized personality and bad takes came from, with Shazam for BS!

How can white people be expected to remember things that aren’t other white people?

Do you dare call your feminine content nerdy? The Council of Nerdy Things is here to decide.

He’s a war profiteer who pays less in taxes than his secretary.

She wants you to eat ALL OF IT.

It’s time to move on from your dependency, until you find the next TV show you can’t trust.

Here you’ll find all the potions, poisons, & chai you could never want.

Nobody needs to hear a 30-year-old reminisce on their experiences in a high school play.

If you didn’t want to see a show, why did you come to the theater?

The radical new way to slurp your mayo is totally tubular (as in, it’s a tube).

You’ve been drinking literal beetle juice.

Try Realistic Dream Phone to find even more emotionally unavailable guys to maybe talk to!

As a woman of color, it’s your job to talk only about that & nothing else you’ve ever accomplished.

On this blessed 4/20, all the good little stoners wake up to dank gifts & ganja from the Weed Man.

Tax season is upon us, and it’s time to reconsider your politics… unless you don’t make six figures.

Everything I’ve ever read about average penis size leads me to believe some of you may be lying.

Great enough to satisfy even the biggest fans.

Why finish the story you started when you could do literally anything else?

Who truly understands the difference between a joke, a prank, and a lie?

The rest is history.

What do you want? What reaction are you trying to get? What made you this way?

The Jellicles have a hard time finding furever homes, who knows why? Maybe a song will help!

You can’t just throw around the term “gundam” about any mech you see! Also, Jess is cancelled.

Brennan is taking seven flights, two cruises, and a Mars expedition to make the holidays perfect.

We can’t ALL be thankful for family!

Save up your allowance! Juul is introducing new ways to experience your favorite vape brand.

Wow all my friends have done so much this year, and I… paid rent?

Rules are meant to be broken! Even if that means some planes crash.

Why donate those clothes when they could sit in the back of your car forever?

Ordering fries really isn’t as evil as poison gas.

Nothing is scarier than Halloween on a weeknight.

Don’t bring Tik Tok into this!

You’re ruining this party by committing too hard to your costume!

You don’t have to be a tech detective to do a quick internet search.

If you apply yourself and focus, you CAN turn caps lock off.

Giving directions is what dads do - even for places you don’t want to go!

What are you going to do? Switch to Android?

Nothing is more stressful than the wine list.

Everyone has to sit and wait while the baby piggy eats its sugar bombs.

It’s important to tell stories about diverse groups, and that they be played by… Scarlett Johansson?

No one is going near those belongings on your watch!

Raph is back with helpful hints to know when you’re entirely unqualified to tell anyone what to do.

Meet the inspirational queen slaying the glass ceiling and terrorizing her employees.

Your friend hates your guts but is too much of a coward to tell you.

It was a different time!

We could finally get something done about climate change!

We’ve got to understand the sick freaks live-streaming their lives, in order to stop them.

How else will people know if an animated character is a girl?

From school shootings to poor healthcare, Alabama offers many post-natal ways to abort children.

You can’t send cast members to their torture dungeon with something cliche like “Infinite Jest”.

A picture is worth a thousand swipes.

Your upvote counts.

Brian Huskey and CollegeHumor alumni are back for another quarantine-inspired “Google Is a Guy”.

A song about putting Jeff Bezos’ $200 billion fortune into context.

Well, not including everything he’s done since this video was uploaded, I guess.

Choose the pro. Be pro choice.

Worried about the Opposite Man? Don’t worry - feel the opposite of that!

Should you not dine indoors while sometimes wearing masks? Prossibly.

A country anthem for our doomed country.

Can you solve this videoconference mystery?

We love that the streaming industry has become a Who’s On First? riff.

The gang gets back together to go through Lost & Found items, and also Kyle’s here (but just to watch).

Only Apple knows how to think outside the box…by exclusively thinking within rounded ones.

The hottest show in town for ugly shoes and too many straps.

Everyone (except me) has a big sacrifice to make.

We can all have a little break, as a treat.

To hunt a killer, you first must understand their watering routine.

Spotify isn’t ready for a playlist THIS extreme.

You survived a deadly shooting on school grounds - can you also survive applying for college?

The oncoming ecological apocalypse is the best way to make sure you don’t have kids!

Statistically, koalas are more likely to have chlamydia than people, sooooooooo…

You stuff a FEW thousand kids into cages and suddenly everyone hates you???

This “Bernie” guy keeps emailing me saying he “needs my help”! What a nutjob!

Sommeliers vs. some terriers.

Can’t wait to see Monorail: Endgame next year!

When someone goes missing, you just want to know they’re safe…and normal. Like, no weird pepperoni stuff.

Have some sympathy for the singles in your friend group.

Medical records are so easy to find, it’s like they want us to look!

Pain is pain, unless your friends are trying to “relate” to you. They don’t know what pain is.

Every year he says he’s going to get revenge, but then he gets “too busy”.