You Can't Do That on Television

The shows sees its last of Mr. L. Dime and all the CJOH jokes.

Features kids' jokes filmed the week before at the Bayshore Shopping Mall in Ottawa.

The network executives have a party on the set and leave money behind. When the cast goes to pick it up, Ross quickly confiscates the cash, claiming it is useless play money. Mr. Dime and Seth Pool get into a battle over the Executive Bathroom, when the lock keeps being changed. Christine, Sarah, Jim, and Mike keep trying to get each other slimed or pied.

The show is back on live after spending the previous week taping a show for network television.

Lisa keeps scheming to get Bradfield slimed, but her plans keep backfiring and result in her getting slimed several times.

Only one scene remains in existence from this episode. In the scene Tim is the dungeon and is told not to pull the chains. He does not listen and gets slimed.

The main plot for this episode is unknown, but it featured kids' jokes and opinions filmed at the Winterloo slide at Ottawa's N.A.C.

Tim constantly tries to get a date with Cindy, but keeps looking like a fool, losing her to Jim and David. To add insult to injury, he keeps being forced into wearing a dress…and he can't seem to find his pants, forcing him to go home wearing a bright, pink dress.

The main plot for this episode is unknown, but it featured a Panasonic radio as a prize for one of the phone-in competitions, as most of the episodes from this 1979 season. This episode also featured a segment on baton twirling. The episode contains the well-known scene where Ross (before a major costume revamp) teaches Jono Gebert how to do a weather forecast on an actual CJOH news/weather set.

Sixty Minutes will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Lisa and Rodney keep trying to get Kevin to moon the cameras, but Christine stops them.

Miss Piggy Eats Ham Sandwiches will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine explains the importance of a healthy diet, but ends up wearing more of the food then she eats.

Mr. Rogers, Neighborhood Pusher will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast uses pies as a substitute for pot to demonstrate the perils of drug use.

Mr. Rogers Vandalizes the Neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The entire set is stolen piece by piece, including the microphones and Christine's clothes.

Atomic Blast Levels Fantasy Island will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Jami admits that the only reason the Indians smoked was to kill the white settlers. He then tries to convince Christine to smoke.

Jaws Eats Jacques Cousteau will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine hosts this episode from her bathtub at home. During the show she gets surprise visits from the cast and crew. The episode ends with her getting sucked down the drain.

The Dukes of Hazard Dress Up in Drag will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The rest of the cast is upset that Christine, as host, has an easier job. They trade places with her and all co-host the show, while she takes their positions in the sketches. In the end, she ends up on a quest to get Brodie slimed.

Hit and Run on Sesame Street will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Despite her constant attempts to explain safety rules, bad things keep happening to Christine including electric shock and decapitation.

The Six Million Dollar Man Rusts to Bits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross tries to make money by collecting his family allowances. He also tries to adopt Christine, who is using an exercise bike and some special effects to travel around the world.

Jaws meets the Love Boat will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine spends the entire show waiting for her boyfriend to call her, which he doesn't.

Captain Kangaroo Robs a Bank will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine goes on strike demanding a raise. She eventually gets it, but discovers that she won't get paid for the time she was on strike, even though she was still on the show.

The Dukes of Hazard Line Up for Gas will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross spends most of the show making Christine's life miserable by making her do many strange things like jump from an airplane without a parachute, forcing her to be shot, makes her sick by distorting the broadcast, has her stuffed into a trash can, and even has her mummified.

The Muppets Get Suffed will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine's dad makes her do work while hosting the show, so she keeps shovels a wheelbarrow full of dirt onto the set.

My Three Sons of Frankenstein will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine tells us about all of her greatest fears. In the sketches, the cast talks about the pros and cons of getting older.

Real People will not be seen at this time because we couldn't find any. In its place, we present the following unfair program. The cast complains about everything that is unfair with the world in 1982. To add insult to injury, the Unfairy Godmother stops by.

Conan the Librarian will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast takes a look at their favorite super-heroes. Lisa attempts to be Wonder Woman, but isn't very effective.

Howard Cosell Loses His Voice will not be seen because…nobody could be that lucky. Christine and Lisa host the show like sports commentators. Throughout the program, Christine tries a really bad Howard Cosell accent.

You Can't Do That on Television cannot be seen at this time because…we couldn't do it. In its place, we present a show about television. Christine explains what goes on behind the scenes of a TV show. Along the way she gets every possible kind of slime dumped on her (and Vanessa).

Big Bird Dances Swan Lake will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast examines plays, literature, music, art, and theater. Christine is introduced to ""water music"".

Mr. Rogers Bullies the Neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine takes a self-defense class in order to protect herself from bullying from the other cast members.

The Price is Right Raises their Prices will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Things around the set begin to malfunction. The risers collapse and the set begins to collapse. In the end, the entire studio collapses.

The Love Boat Runs Aground Fantasy Island will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine goes on a trip to the beach to relax, only to run into the entire cast and crew of YCDTOTV, who are filming an episode.

Fred Sanford: World's Best Dressed Man will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast attempts to keep up with the latest fashions, which change about every two minutes.

The Most Popular Kids Show on Television will not be seen at this time so that we may present… Ross holds a ""phone-in"" contest to see which cast member is the most popular. All the kids wear numbers so that viewers can clarify their voting. At the halfway point, Kevin (wearing 111) is first. In an attempt to get more votes, Christine trades her ballot number (872) for a lower number (0). In the end, Zilch (Darryl) wins the contest even though he wasn't in this episode. They discover he won because Christine wore his number zero.

Pacman Eats General Hospital will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine plays ATARI for the entire show, thus demonstrating how video games are addictive. In the sketches, many references are made to the soap General Hospital, and how addictive that is.

The Incredible Hulk Runs out of Deodorant will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine brings in a box of cosmetics and explains the use of each one. She offers advise about the dangers of using corn chip flavored lipstick.

You Can't Do That on Television will not be seen today in order that we may get your priorities straight. Ross is too busy watching a baseball game on TV to direct the show, so the cast is on their own to make the show.

Fame will not be seen at this time, but is desperately sought after by each member of our cast. Kevin decides to quit the show and become a big celebrity. He changes his name to Kevin Ilyanovich Rasputin Kubusheskie. Unfortunately, he isn't successful and he becomes desperate, resorting to playing the kid in the street interviews segment of the show, and even disguising himself as a letter in the closing credits.

Miss Piggy Sues the National Enquirer will not be seen at this time so that we may present... After the star is taken off her dressing room door and the locks are changed, rumors spread throughout the cast that Christine was fired.

Pavarotti Sings the Blues will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine takes up conducting as a hobby. In the sketches, the cast examines different musical instruments.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy (Serves Six) will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine takes up cooking, but she isn't good at it. They end up using her muffins as bricks.

The Waltons Move to Mt. Saint Helens will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Kevin goes away on a camping trip, leaving Christine to listen to Lisa's constant chatter.

The following program contains scenes that may not be suitable for mature audiences. Juvenile discretion is advised. The adult dressing room catches fire, and the kids have to put it out. Then the kids have to sacrifice their clothes so that the adults can resume shooting Richard III. The sketches are about how different kids and adults are treated.

You Can't Do That on Television will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In a drastic effort to improve ratings, Ross has Kevin burned at the stake. In the sketches, the cast looks at how advertisers try to get our attention.

Life on Earth will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine learns to tell fortunes using a crystal ball. The cast also looks at the world of computers, and how they can help with the routines of daily life.

General Hospital will not be seen at this time so that we may present... ""Doctor"" Lisa and ""nurse"" Luke help Christine, who has broken her leg just before show time.

Laverne and Shirley Go to Finishing School will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The show's producers have written a book of manners, which Christine tries to explain.

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood will not be seen because the neighborhood has been declared unsafe. Ross forces the cast to follow new rules that the Union has made for child actors. Lisa is forced to eat a mud pie and loses her voice.

Kermit the Frog Tries to Cross the Highway will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast looks at all of the pets people have, some normal, some very strange.

Dunking for Dollars will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The series is sold to various foreign countries. Adam acts as millionaire Ronald Rump.

Knight Rider Wants a Ferrari will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast is jealous of Christine after she gets a raise.

The Love Boat Goes on a Cruise Missile Cruise will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair forms an anti-war group (W.I.M.P.), while Ross argues that war is a necessary evil.

Mr. Wizard Shows You How to Make Rain will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair makes a weather machine, but it doesn't work correctly.

The A-Team Makes One Cup of Coffee Last 5 Hours will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The kids hang out - at the arcade, the library, malls and summer camp, after school, at the Burgery, around the set, outside prison, stores, locker and dressing rooms. They also hang laundry, hang tough, and generally just hang in there.

The Partridge Family Get Shot will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross' nephew visits the show, but doesn't get along very well with the cast.

Family Ties Get Untied will not be seen at this time so that we may present... During their divorce proceedings, the producer's wife takes half the show away - literally half of everything - with strange results.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wizard will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair tries to discover the formula for the green slime.

To Tell the Truth (with guest host Richard Nixon) will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Lisa is nominated by Christine to run for class president.

The college football game scheduled at this time between MIT and UCLA will not be seen because "mitucla" is a dirty word in Arundi Barundi. Among the cast's plans for college, Alasdair plans to enter on a video game scholarship but, so far, can't find a university to meet his aim. Ross returns to college so he can enter a profession without kids around.

The A-Team Wreck Disneyland will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast tries to convince Ross to give them a holiday.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Joins the A-Team will not be seen at this time so that we may present... It's Christmas on the set, but there's little peace on Earth in the studio: Alasdair's running around with a helmet camouflaged in mistletoe and two eager lips puckered.

Boy George Without Makeup will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine puts a spell on Ross that causes evil ghosts to haunt him.

Mr. Rogers Gets Evicted will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine's family moves into a new house in the hills, a kid on wheels from California catches the attention of his new classmates.

The Electric Company Blows a Fuse will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast takes another look at computers and robots. In the process, Ross tests out an interactive poll system. Viewers are supposed to touch the superimposed green and red squares on the screens to determine what happens next. The result: in the space of four minutes, Luke gets shot, Vanessa is slimed, and Lisa is forced to not say anything.

Real People's Armpits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The show's cast competes to see who has the perfect body.

The Six Wives of Henry VIII will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast parodies historical events, as Alasdair traces his family history and Christine writes a research essay.

Miss Piggy Sold to a Sausage Factory will not be seen at this time so that we may present... To raise money to keep the show on the air, the cast tries to sell water and green slime to viewers.

Around the World in 80 Days will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross appears interested in world travel and foreign cultures, like the rest of the cast. Actually, Ross is only interested in playing "exchange bank."

The Mickey Mouse Club will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine joins a health club, but isn't really interested in the club's healthy atmosphere and Ross involves the kids in an investment club with himself as their broker.

Masterpiece Theater will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine tries to become one of the shows writers, while Justin tries to track down the great author A. Nonymous. In the sketches, the cast looks at the classics of literature.

The Twilight Zone Gets Redeveloped will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The crew fears a ghost is haunting the studio when strange things start happening. Lisa decides to perform an exorcism to get rid of it. In the sketches, the cast pokes fun at ESP and astrology, as well as magic in sketches like Genie of the Electric Lamp.

Hobby Days will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine talks about fashion, her latest hobby.

Dallas & Dynasty will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast explains their ambitions in life. Christine wants to grow as an actress and begs Ross to provide her with a meaty scene within the show. Ben, meanwhile, wants Ross to adjust the budget so he can star in his own music video.

Laverne and Shirley Kill Each Other will not be seen at this time so that we may present... You can't put a price tag on friendship. Well, in fact, you can, as Christine sadly discovers when her mother's monthly friendship checks to the cast fail to arrive, leaving Christine friendless.

The Smurfs Meet Godzilla will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast must be brave to overcome stage fright as the show's ratings are higher then ever. The kids discuss courage. Kevin tests his courage by wearing a suit of armor.

A big time Hollywood producer plans to make a major motion picture version of the show while the kids go through slime wrenching auditions just to get a part.

Ripley's Incredibly Amazing Believe It or Not People will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross plugs his new egg farm (at Route 12, King Side Road) by having Alasdair break the world record for number of hard boiled eggs eaten in one sitting.

Carl Segan Meets Millions and Millions of Martians will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Doug goes into outer space to meet the aliens that he'd been communicating with.

Wild, Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Lisa gets made-up all flashy looking. When Alasdair insults her new look, she punches him, causing him to think he's different animals.

Rambo Shoots the Ayatollah will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross decides to get rich by selling Instant Revenge to the cast members. Alasdair decides to do it in cognito as the Masked Revenger.

The Wreck of the Love Boat will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Lisa thinks that being optimistic will save her plant from dying.

Family Ties Tied Much Too Tight will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross convinces Alasdair that he may be the descendant of a millionaire. Ross then sells fake family trees to the rest of the cast, showing them as being related to Napoleon.

Super Monster Theatre will not be seen at this time so that we may present... As everyone confesses what he or she is afraid of, the Locker Monster attacks Vanessa.

Mr. T Thinks He's a Girl will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair tries out different jobs to see which one is right for him. Lisa does a paper for school on what people want to do for their careers.

Love Connection Short Circuits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Doug pretends to be Cupid and tries to fix up the entire cast with a girl/boyfriend.

The Greatest Detective will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Some of the cast members, and a plate of Barth Burgers disappear, so the great Inspector Flusseau comes in to investigate.

Top Gun Gets Put on Latrine Cleaning Duty will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross becomes a drill sergeant to induce discipline in the cast.

Falcon Crest Eaten by Termites will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast talks about their homes, and all the stuff they do there.

Algebra is Exciting! will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast has to stay awake during an all-night filming of the show.

The A-Team Delivers Newspapers will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast takes a look at the current job market for kids.

The Wheel of Fortune Runs Over People and Flattens Them will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast begins to rely too heavily on good luck charms to get them through this episode.

Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Naida's father hires the cast as servants after they all get fired.

Censored Foul-Ups, Bleeps & Boners will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In an attempt to keep the show clean, the network censors have added bleeps and censor bars to the show.

Miss Ugly Teen USA will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Matthew enters a contest at the local mall where he has to count jellybeans. Alasdair, not wanting to be outdone, enters a ""slime-in"" contest.

J.R. Ewing Saves His Money to Buy a Skateboard will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair and Adam compete over the new girl in the cast, while at the same time trying to save money for a car.

Hulk Hogan vs. Punkey Brewster in Mismatch of the Century will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross gets the cast ready for the arrival of the cast of the Russian version of YCDTOTV.

St. Elsewhere will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Everyone who has green slime dumped on them comes down with a mysterious flu.

Lassie Flunks Obedience School will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross decided to tutor the cast. He covers everything from reading to advanced chemistry.

Walton's Mountain Becomes an Open Pit Mine will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast gets back to nature and make up the set like a farm.

The Commercial Messages will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In the sketches, the cast does many parodies of TV commercials. They also try to sell some of Ross' malfunctioning products as part of another get-rich-quick scheme.

Garbage of the Rich & Famous will not be seen at this time so that we may present... After local garbage men go on strike, the studio becomes a storage area for the city's garbage. Christine is carried out of the studio in a garbage bag.

Mr. T Goes to a Tupperware Party will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast gets Ross to throw them a party. What Ross does, however, is have a cardboard cake and water.

Mr. Wizard Explains the Universe will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Nerdy Matthew annoys the entire cast.

Bruce Springsteen Gets Laryngitis will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair believes that he will become a great rock star.

The A-Team Blows Up the Land of Oz will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast does many sketches about various fairy tales.

Rambo's Armpits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast has to test their knowledge of different smells.

Santa Claus Forgets Christmas will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast becomes suspicious that Ross has put something in Doug and Vanessa's food to keep them small, as the two celebrate their 5th anniversary on the show.

Crocodile Dundee Works in a City Bank will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross plans to take the cast to New York, but he is planning to keep them on leashes for safety.

The Huxtables Put Their Kids Up for Adoption will not be seen at this time so that we may present... This episode features many sketches about adoption and parents.

Reading Rambo will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The Librarian is very happy about this week's episode being about reading, and gets ready for her first big scene. She becomes upset, however, that there are no sketches in this episode that take place in the library.

Rambo Takes Ballet Lessons will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross, in an effort to embarrass the cast, has their parents come to the studio.

Batman Gives Away His Batmobile will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In order to get him slimed, Chris lets Patrick do the introduction. The make-up lady makes Stephanie look like a senior citizen. When the boom mike breaks, Ross makes Christian hang from the ceiling to operate the mike.

Green Slime is Scraped from Smokers Lungs will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast really begins to think that green slime is made from the mucus from the lungs of smokers.

Roseanne Barr Goes Synchronized Swimming will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross goes sports crazy. He makes Chris use the eternal flame to light the gas grill, causing him to blow up, he uses special effects to give Carlos athletes foot, and he uses a ""Test Your Strength"" machine to scam the cast out of money.

Rambo Thinks will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Some of the cast members try to do certain things, all unsuccessfully. Nick tries to remember his name, Sariya tries to keep her new hairstyle from getting slimed, Christian tries to nice to Jennifer, and Jennifer tries to wear a dress.

Parents and Teachers Celebrate the Cancellation of You Can't Do That On Television will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross decides to show how all of the countries around the world celebrate special events.

The Wright Brothers Lost Their Luggage will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross tries to improve the show's ratings by having this episode be the first to be shot in several different locations.

Ross doesn't show up for work, leaving the kids to run this week's show.

Superman Loses His Tights will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Nick enlists the help of the Genie of the Lost Sock to find Chris' jacket and a camera the Nick borrowed from Ross. In the search, he finds everything that every cast member of the show since it first went on the air had lost.

Pee-Wee Herman Wins the Mr. Macho America Contest will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast is willing to do anything to become cool.

The Fat Boys Eat New York will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The show deals with the problems of excess: too much slime, too many cast members, too much wardrobe, etc...

Michael Jackson Gets Old and Wrinkled will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross drags Vanessa back onto the show 3 years after she left because she still has an episode under her contract (because the Adoption episode was banned). Meanwhile, Chris is nervous about being fired because of his upcoming birthday and fear that he has reached ""the age"".

Elvis Presley Is Alive and Working In a Supermarket will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast debates the fantasy and reality of people's beliefs.

Mothers of the World Paddle Rambo will not be seen at this time so that we may present... To improve the ratings, and to punish the cast for bad acting, Ross sees to it that at least one cast member is slimed between each sketch.

George Bush Shoots the Wrong Quail will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast looks at their mistakes, and Ross has to confront some of his errors.

The Days of Our Lives will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The budget for the show has been cut so it must be filmed in black and white. All the kids go into a decolorization machine. When the producers realize that color shows are more profitable the kids can't switch back. In their attempts to overcome the glitch, they turn the show into a silent movie at the end.

Fantasy Island Becomes a Volcano will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross has a box that can grant anyone's wishes. He plans to give it to the producer's daughter. The rest of the cast has all their dreams come true.

The Love Boat Becomes a Garbage Barge will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast talks about the major dangers to the environment.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turkeys will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast wants to take martial arts lessons, but have to teach themselves because the show's budget can't afford an instructor.

Mr. Clean Falls Into a Tar Pit will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross makes the cast wear sailor suits to prepare for a visit from the Senate's Committee to Clean Television. In the end, the inspector only wants to be sure the camera lenses are clean.

Batman's Hairdryer Fries Robin will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The studio's cameras keep breaking because of Ted's ugliness.

Jane Fonda Overworked will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Kevin is having trouble writing this episode as it is being filmed. In the sketches, the cast makes fun of exercise programs. Ted, as the Fitness Genie, makes Rekha's fitness program impossible.

E.T. Phones Home and Gets a $1,000,000 Phone Bill will not be seen at this time so that we may present... An alien ship is approaching Earth and causes the show's transmission satellites to malfunction. The Aliens have come in search of Green Slime.

Hulk Hogan Tidies His Room will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In order to get the cast to clean the set, Ross makes the cleaning part of the sketches.

Where No Man Has Gone Before will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ted decides whether or not to tell Chris about his being turned down for a part in a Hollywood movie.

MacGyver Invents a Spaceship will not be seen at this time so that we may present... To improve the cast and add a new edge to the show, Ross buys a robot to use as a cast member.

Kermit Treated Like a Prince will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross gets angry and revokes the cast's phone and ball-playing privileges.

Alf Learns to Cook Cats will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast tries to do an educational episode.

Tony the Tiger Really Eats Choco-Bombs will not be seen at this time so that we may present... All the show's secrets are uncovered. Ted finally finds the secret ingredient to the green slime.

Doogie Howser Gets Blamed for Sawing the Wrong Leg Off a Patient will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast is very upset that kids get blamed for everything.

Because of the 25 year anniversary, the cast (having been doing the show all these years, but is so bad that no one will air it) are given one final aired episode. Ross is retiring, Brodie is given the new Chez Barth's, Vanessa (who is with child) and Marjorie are up to no good, and Alasdair and Justin are mad because they weren't in enough scenes. Things are changing...but, is change good? Will the kids finally be relieved of their duties at the show as the ultimate change? This is the official reunion episode of the series.